I understand that the NSA is monitoring my ingoing and outgoing phone calls and probably emails, text messages and Facebook account. As a taxpayer and citizen of the United States, I have a few questions for you, when you get a chance. Can you tell me who got in the last word during an argument between my mom and me? It occurred roughly on July 19 about 7:15 pm. We were having a disagreement over a black leather purse that I borrowed. She claims I never returned it. I’m positive she put it away and can’t find it. Who presented the most solid argument in this case? Please text me. What is the name and phone number of the obscene caller from two weeks ago? The guy left a vulgar … [Read more...]
How To Ask For More Napkins Without Getting Punched Out
July 25, 2013 By 10 Comments
Did ya ever notice that fast food places barely give you enough napkins to wipe off a pinkie after gorging on their messy fare. Seriously. It doesn’t take an expert to know that napkins go hand in hand with sloppy food. Take my latest experience at a burger joint. “Can I take your order, please?” droned a pimply-faced teenage boy behind the counter. No Napkins at In-N-Out Burgers After receiving my food, I spread out all its greasy goodness: burgers bulging with toppings, chili fries, drink, and condiments. What’s that? One napkin. How can a diner survive with one napkin alone? Oozing, dripping bounty was a hallmark at In-N-Out Burgers. I turned to catch a quick glimpse of my … [Read more...]
Walmart Shopper Banned, Husband Causes Mischief
July 10, 2013 By 4 Comments
Every once in awhile, I come across a gem of a story that is too precious to keep to myself. Here’s a funny one about a Walmart shopper banned after husband gets into mischief. You’re gonna love it! Walmart Shopper Banned After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Letter from Walmart Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart. Dear Mrs. Woolf, Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this … [Read more...]
Mom Fights Back at End of School Year
June 6, 2013 By 9 Comments
A few years ago, after dropping my kids off at middle school, I met a couple of friends at Starbucks. The conversations went something like this--- End of School Year “So, what’d you get on your report card?” I asked, tapping a venti latte with my nails. “Five A’s, 2B’s. How about you?” said another mom as she checked her cell phone. “Four A’s, one B and one C. Took me two parent teacher meetings and a call to the principal to get the C,” I said. “Try harder next time.” Things have gotten so bad that we feel personally responsible for kid’s failures, always trying to resolve problems. It’s time to stop helping so much and let them learn from the consequences of their … [Read more...]
How Being Mom is Like the Department of Motor Vehicles – DMV
May 30, 2013 By 18 Comments
After taking my son to get his permit at the DMV, I said to myself, "Hey, this place feels like home." Everyone is always mad at you. “If you don’t have an appointment, you’re in the wrong line,” says the first person I meet at the DMV, his nostrils flaring. Returning home after grocery shopping, a wave of anger hits me in the face. “Did you remember the Pop-Tarts?” whines my son. “You don’t expect me to watch Castle on TV?” complains my hubby. There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home. There’s lots of eye rolling. “Is this the line to renew your license?” I say. A huge arm points to the farthest corner of the DMV. “Read the signs, lady. It’s over there,” says … [Read more...]
God Damned Disrespectful Teens Make Me Angry
May 16, 2013 By 2 Comments
Guest Blogger, Don Mills, contributed this article. Read more about Don below. Disrespectful Teens The problem with young people today is that they have no respect for their elders. Back when I was a sprog we were expected to be polite, respectful and afraid of old people. We said “please” and “thank you” and would never have dared to call an adult by their Christian name. But these uppity youngsters today have no respect. They give you sass, lip, guff, guff lip, lip sass, sass lip and generally behave in a way that makes it unsafe for us older folks to venture outside of our homes for fear of teenage mockery, robbery, stupidity or worse. Call Adults By First Name But what really … [Read more...]
4 Signs of Adult Attention Deficit Disorder (AADD)
May 1, 2013 By 10 Comments
Do I have Adult Attention Deficit Disorder? Growing up in the 70s, no one was diagnosed with ADD or ADHD. Instead we were labeled disruptive, excitable, loud, and annoying. Teachers complained that we shouted out in class and couldn’t sit still. Our parents called us moody and useless. We probably had something more like ADLBD (Attention Deficit Lazy Butt Disorder). Now, the spectrum for ADD includes adults. Here are the 4 signs I may have Adult Attention Deficit Disorder (AADD). You be the judge. #1 Difficulty Getting Organized If clutter on your desk is an indication of being disorganized, I’m guilty as charged. At this point, it’s necessary to push aside desk debris in order to … [Read more...]
Bright Lights, Insults, Gel Manicures At Nail Salon
April 25, 2013 By 10 Comments
My local nail salon is like a Turkish bazaar; people speak different languages, laughter, and loud voices surrounded by blaring music and bright lights. Nail polish bottles, Post-it notes, glossy posters, and banners with price lists of various nail services cover all available wall space. It’s a great place for an early morning wake-up call and a gel manicure. Within moments of entering the salon, a man wearing a white mask rushed up and pushed me into the nearest vinyl chair. A tiny lady with a pink apron approached and said, “Do you want a mani-pedi?” “Ummm…I want a gel manicure,” I said picking at a fingernail. “Go pick a color,” she said and thrusted me towards an endless … [Read more...]
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