Middle-age creeps up on you as fast as diarrhea spreads on a cruise ship. I wanted to deny the signs but you can’t ignore the math. If you multiply your age by two and the answer’s greater than 90, you’re middle-aged. Here are the 6 signs you're middle-aged: Do Not Recognize Celebrities I can only recognize 20% of the celebrities in People Magazine, television, and the Internet. Instead, the stars of my youth are on the cover of AARP Magazine like David Cassidy, Harrison Ford, Dennis Quaid and Valerie Bertinelli. Yeash, they look bad! Lose Glasses Looking for my reading glasses is an hourly occurrence. It’s a perpetual game of hide and seek that I keep winning because one pair is … [Read more...]
Wasting Time? A Writer’s Diary Exposed
March 27, 2013 By 10 Comments
Why am I wasting so much time? I started a writer's diary in my quest for answers. Today 6:30 Repeat five times, “Today is the day I am going to work on my NOVEL.” 6:40 Brush teeth. Check email. Oh boy, 40 new messages. Delete 39. 6:50 Wake up son for school, start breakfast, tidy up kitchen, run a load of laundry, drive son to school. 8:00 Check Internet. Must know more about sinkhole in Florida that opened up and swallowed a man. 8:10 Phone rings. Mother shares weird neighbor story. Is it really possible to set house on fire by turning on hair dryer and washing machine at the same time? Doubtful. 8:30 Draft new blog, “101 Ways to Avoid Writing a … [Read more...]
Trapped in Girl’s Bathroom Without Cell Phone
March 20, 2013 By 8 Comments
Trapped in Girl's Bathroom Without Cell Phone The thought of using a public toilet raises my anxiety to threat level orange. My fear started at Girl Scout camp in 6th grade. Locked in a ripe latrine during a Midwest heat wave gave me a case of toilet phobia. And yet with only five minutes left of my daughter’s basketball game, Foothill High Schoolversus Amador Valley High School, I could not fight the urge to use the toilet any longer. With shortness of breath, I banged open the women’s restroom door, rushed for the closest stall. Thankfully it was a tiny bathroom, three spots, all empty. Mindful to touch as little as possible, I did my business and exited faster than Apolo … [Read more...]
Guns, Drugs and Dinero, Writer Calls For Help
March 15, 2013 By 9 Comments
Next time a writer calls for help, I’ll be ready with a set answer, “Can I check my schedule and get back with you?” Especially if the request involves guns, drugs and dinero. How It All Started Let me start at the beginning. A few weeks ago, my friend, Julie, had cornea and lens replacement right before she was set to release her novel, PILZ. After weeks of working on a cover design with a prior designer, deadlines and obligations got in the way and forced her to search for someone new. That someone was me. I received her email at midnight in Times Roman size 20 font. Dear God, the surgery made her blind. But, I think she used this as a way to trick me into helping. I was just an … [Read more...]
Beware of Free Coupons, Stranger Bearing Gifts
March 2, 2013 By 4 Comments
I know one thing about life: free coupons are not worth it. Let me explain. In my kitchen, my mother-in-law and I caught up on the lastest gossip. At the same time, I shuffled through piles of paper in our junk drawer and deep-sixed a stack of coupons. She jumped up, stunned, and saved them from the recycling bin. Woman, keep your hands out of my trash. “Don’t worry. It’s just a bunch of free coupons, not worth it,” I said, wiggling my head in disbelief. “I have never found that to be the case,” she said, hands on hips. “Free is free.” Maybe I should have prefaced my statement. Last summer, neighbor’s family was visiting and she expressed her concerns to me. “I … [Read more...]
Men Speak 7000 Words Per Day?
February 22, 2013 By 10 Comments
Do men speak 7000 words per day and women use 20,000? Need proof? Check out my guy’s typical text messages. Let me set the mood. It’s around 6 p.m. on a Tuesday and I’m getting hungry. Texting “Are you coming home for dinner?” I texted, carefully spelling out each word with my thumbs. “Ya,” he texted back in a microsecond. “What do you want to eat?” “Anything.” “Okay, see you tonight.” “:)” See what I mean? Actual Words And when it came to using actual words in a live conversation, it was more of the same. But the moment I turned on a blender, dust buster, hair dryer or hand mixer, he became a human magpie. After breakfast, I asked, “What do you want to do … [Read more...]
House Tried to Kill Me During Move
January 12, 2013 By 13 Comments
I’ve moved eight times in twenty-two years of marriage. That’s a grand total of 3,987 boxes to unpack, 50 pieces of battered furniture, 45 missing cartons, 15 damaged appliances, 2 wrecked cars, and one lost pet. I’m as unlucky as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs. This time my house tried to kill me during the move. Let's Move! For our latest and hopefully final move, we found a perfect house only two miles away. This time our move would not be dictated by my husband’s job. “Let’s do this,” I said to my husband after viewing the ideal home at an open house. “It’s perfect.” Moving day swooped down on my household, as swift and predictable as daylight savings time. “Oh. My. … [Read more...]
Artificial Christmas Tree Attacks Couple
January 12, 2013 By 3 Comments
This article was contributed by guest blogger, Camille DeFer Thompson. Revenge of the Faux Fir It took us years to reach this decision. Our garage already overfloweth with boxes of ornaments, Costco trash bags stuffed with fake garland, its needles protruding through the plastic like some galactic being, struggling to break free, and tangles of multi-colored exterior lights dangling from nails above the workbench. Where, we wondered, would we store an artificial Christmas tree? But last year, we finally tired of shivering through the Home Depot tree lot to pick out just the right Noble or Douglas, with no more than one bad side that could be camouflaged against the wall, to adorn our … [Read more...]
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