On the sixth day of Christmas, the mall gave to me, six angry sales teams, five new languages, four aroma pillows, three tubs of sea salt, two hair straighteners, and a partridge in a pear tree. As the refrain from “The Twelve Days of Christmas” echoes through my head, I wander the mall avoiding eye contact with Christmas kiosk employees. Who hasn’t been stopped midstream by perky cell phone employees begging, “try our service” or “switch today”? Who hasn’t had fragrant lotion squeezed onto their hands while taking cover from flying helicopters or tiny, motorized cars zipping around their feet? But while I tried to avoid their seduction, the magnetic attraction is too … [Read more...]
Christmas Karma and the Toilet Paper Trail
December 9, 2013 By Leave a Comment
All I know is karma’s a bitch. And never cop an attitude with an usher when you’re dragging a toilet paper trail. Last year, my mother braved Midwest blizzards, traffic and the airport to visit my family of four for Christmas in California. Our fun-filled week consisted of spiked eggnog, story telling, old movies and the mandatory trip to San Francisco. A commercial break during “A Christmas Story” advertised Riverdance, the popular Irish stepdancing group. Redheaded lads and lassies clicked across the stage. “Forget about seeing the Christmas Carol or the Nutcracker, can we see Riverdance?” asked my mom. I wanted to make her visit as memorable as possible and sprung for the good … [Read more...]
Going Commando at the Work Holiday Party?
December 4, 2013 By 17 Comments
Let’s face it. Ladies undergarments were not designed with comfort in mind. Not much has changed since the invention of the corset that was meant to give a woman an 18-inch waist. But the undergarment I am going to rant about is Spanx or shape wear, like the old fashioned girdle. They tout the motto, “No matter the occasion or season, we’ve got a shape to keep you looking great from all angles!” But at what price? I heard of a case where the mother of the bride was stuck inside a full body Spanx for five hours. If Spanx’s motto is, “Spanx is here on your big day,” where were they? It slims and lifts, but is it worth it? Holiday Party My big moment came to prove the claims made … [Read more...]
Mom’s Thanksgiving Day Plea
November 25, 2013 By 8 Comments
Happy Thanksgiving Day! By now, like Sleeping Beauty, my family is waking from a deep slumber, wiping the crust from their eyes as they stumble into the kitchen in search of coffee. I bet it’s about 10:00 a.m. and they’re starting to wonder, “Where’s Mom?” Well, surprise, I have three words, “At the movies.” I have decided to take the day off. I’m exhausted by the thought of another Thanksgiving Day, spent in the scullery, sweating it out like Bikram Yoga. Enough with hot ovens, boiling pots and disgusting turkey giblets already. I’m Getting My Movie On, sitting in a comfy chair, hogging a whole box of popcorn and a large Diet Coke. Ha ha! Now don’t get me wrong, I love each and … [Read more...]
What Women Really Want For Mother’s Day
May 9, 2013 By 6 Comments
It's Mother's Day Is it a complete mystery what women really want for Mother's Day? My day was always big bust and I was too exhausted to endure it again. This Mother's Day I came up with a brilliant idea. Two days before the big event, I prepared my answer to the question, “What do you want for Mother’s Day?” “Nothing,” I said. “Come on, we have to get you something. What do you want?” “Nothing. I want a day filled with nothing. No fighting. No laundry. No cooking. No TV,” I said. “You’re just saying that. You’d be mad if we don’t get you a gift.” “Nope. This is what I really want.” “No way. That’s too hard. Just let us get you a gift.” I stood my … [Read more...]
April Fool’s Prank Amateurs Need Not Apply
April 4, 2013 By 9 Comments
One thing I know for certain, the key to a successful April Fool's prank involves knowing your victims’ routine. Amateurs need not apply. Our friend, Scott, told my husband and me that his wife hit a deer on a country back road driving home from the work. We quizzed him for all the details in order to set the trap. Then we asked him to make sure Casey answered the phone the next day. “Mrs. S, this is Officer Smedley with the Fulton County Police,” said my husband over the telephone in his best impersonation of a southern accent. “I understand you hit a deer yesterday on U.S. Route 19 around 7:00 p.m.” “Um, yes,” said Casey, clearing her throat. She sounds as nervous as a pig … [Read more...]
Going Back to My Childhood Home
January 28, 2013 By 6 Comments
Nothing was more frustrating than going back to my childhood home and discovering that no matter how much I’ve changed, everything there remained the same. Floorboards creaked. Front door squeaked. Kitchen sink leaked. And my mother was not bothered in the least. Sleepover Gone Bad Traveling to the Midwest in the winter usually results in flight cancellations and delays. This trip was no different. Three schedule changes later, I arrived at my mother’s front door. She grabbed me by the shoulders and smothered me with hugs and kisses. After talking with her for hours, I needed to break away and get rid of the airplane grime. “I’m gonna take a fast shower,” I told my … [Read more...]
2014 New Year’s Non-Resolutions
December 29, 2012 By 8 Comments
Since New Year’s Resolutions are usually forgotten by January 2, I decided to try something different. Go ahead and laugh out loud at my interpretation of 2014 New Year's Non-Resolutions Stop clicking a button or link that says “I agree” before reading all the terms and conditions. You might be giving away cash or a kidney. Got high blood pressure? Heart disease? Eat more Brookside dark chocolate covered Goji berries with raspberry from Target. Antioxidants are good for you. Learn how to play the harmonica. Who knows? You might be the next Dan Aykroyd, Steven Tyler or Bob Dylan. Encourage your family to go to the gym often. You need more quiet time. Watch all the … [Read more...]
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