On the sixth day of Christmas, the mall gave to me, six angry sales teams, five new languages, four aroma pillows, three tubs of sea salt, two hair straighteners, and a partridge in a pear tree. As the refrain from “The Twelve Days of Christmas” echoes through my head, I wander the mall avoiding eye contact with kiosk employees. Who hasn’t been stopped midstream by perky cell phone employees begging, “try our service” or “switch today”? Who hasn’t had fragrant lotion squeezed onto their hands while taking cover from flying helicopters or tiny, motorized cars zipping around their feet? But while I tried to avoid their seduction, the magnetic attraction is too strong. Companies like … [Read more...]
Kapow! The Sound of Models Falling Down on the Catwalk!
December 5, 2012 By 5 Comments
I can’t help it. I enjoy watching models tumble on the catwalk. It makes me smile. After a Google search on “models falling” I discovered that 6,830,000 web sites agree with me. We can’t get enough. I think the biggest reason I’m tickled pink when models fall is due to the haughty way they launch themselves down the runway. It’s like they’re saying to the world, “Look at me, I’m tall and can walk in a straight line.” Congratulations, you strutted 28 feet! Take off those Jimmy Choo's And Gisele Bündchen, if you want our respect, take off those ridiculous Jimmy Choo’s! Don’t you care that a generation of under 20-somethings will have a lifetime of bunions, arthritis, … [Read more...]
A Thanksgiving Day Plea On Behalf of Mom
November 19, 2012 By 1 Comment
Happy Thanksgiving Day! By now, like Sleeping Beauty, my family is waking from a deep slumber, wiping the crust from their eyes as they stumble into the kitchen in search of coffee. I bet it’s about 10:00 a.m. and they’re starting to wonder, “Where’s Mom?” Well, surprise, I have three words, “At the movies.” I have decided to take the day off. I’m exhausted by the thought of another Thanksgiving Day, spent in the scullery, sweating it out like Bikram Yoga. Enough with hot ovens, boiling pots and disgusting turkey giblets already. I’m Getting My Movie On, sitting in a comfy chair, hogging a whole box of popcorn and a large Diet Coke. Ha ha! Now don’t get me wrong, I love each … [Read more...]
Hot Sicilian Causes Gallbladder Attack
November 15, 2012 By 4 Comments
My love for a hot Sicilian started off innocently enough. But one thing led to another and a one-night stand became the beginning of a passionate affair. What started as sweet desire ended in extraordinary pain. I would be remiss if I didn’t mention how this happened to a happily married stay-at-home mom. Pursuing my dream of becoming a newspaper columnist, I sought an opportunity to see my name in print and signed up to be a cookbook critic. Pizza cookbooks drew me into their pages, tantalizing me with cheesy delights. Slinging pizza dough high in the air, Chef Emeril Lagasse had nothing over me. Homemade spicy marinara sauces simmered on the stovetop, crushed red pepper flakes … [Read more...]
Part 2: More Crap My Mom Has Sent
November 7, 2012 By 2 Comments
Readers said, “You left me hanging with your last story,” and “Tell me more about the stuff from your mom.” Here’s a follow-up story to last week’s blog. One thing I know for certain, a mother never runs out of hankies, advice or impractical gifts, more crap. And my mother was no different. She visited me in California a few weeks after we unpacked from our move. Like a peregrine falcon, her eyes zoned in on the “To Be Identified Pile” in the corner of the kitchen counter. “What’s with all this junk?” she asked, picking up an item on the top. “Stuff you’ve sent me over the years,” I said, shaking my head. “No way. Never seen it before,” she said without emotion and moved … [Read more...]
Crap My Mother Sends
November 1, 2012 By Leave a Comment
If you’re like me, when it comes to emptying boxes after a move, I’m a regular whirlwind. To unpack crap means stuff everything into closets and drawers as swift as Apple develops a new iPhone. But this time around, I regarded the boxes and thought to myself, “Why do I keep moving this junk around? What the hell is in these boxes anyway?” I tackled the kitchen boxes first. As I unwrapped, it became clear that I have too much useless crap and made a pile called, “To Be Identified Later.” That evening, I reexamined the heap and realized that all the items had one thing in common, gifts from my mother over the last 22 years, since my wedding day. Congratulations! You’ve just won a new … [Read more...]
Welcome to My Blog
September 17, 2012 By 1 Comment
I am a freelance writer, artist, blogger and stay-at-home mother. My humor column “Are You Kidding Me?” is based on my suburban family and everyday life. My short stories have appeared in Chicken Soup for the Soul and Not Your Mother’s Book…On Being a Woman, Travel, Parent and Home Improvement. My work appears in Generation Fabulous, ZestNow, Pleasanton Patch, corporate newsletters, and even a commencement speech. I live in California with my husband and two teenagers that provide me with an endless supply of inspiration. I write about parenting and daily frustrations like my dislike of laundry, the DMV, and being middle-aged. I hope to entertain you one story at a time. Go get your funny … [Read more...]
AVAILABLE NOW!
Follow Us!