Happy Thanksgiving Day! By now, like Sleeping Beauty, my family is waking from a deep slumber, wiping the crust from their eyes as they stumble into the kitchen in search of coffee. I bet it’s about 10:00 a.m. and they’re starting to wonder, “Where’s Mom?” Well, surprise, I have three words, “At the movies.” I have decided to take the day off. I’m exhausted by the thought of another Thanksgiving Day, spent in the scullery, sweating it out like Bikram Yoga. Enough with hot ovens, boiling pots and disgusting turkey giblets already. I’m Getting My Movie On, sitting in a comfy chair, hogging a whole box of popcorn and a large Diet Coke. Ha ha! Now don’t get me wrong, I love each and … [Read more...]
Funny Fortune Cookies You Must Read
April 11, 2013 By 8 Comments
Really? Do you enjoy that dry, tasteless fortune cookie after Chinese take-out or do you just want to read the free fortune and lucky numbers? This week I had a chance to create two bags of custom fortune cookies. I couldn’t pass up this opportunity to collect some of the funniest and share them with you. Funny Fortune Cookies You seek to find meaning from a little slip of paper inside a cookie. You are gullible. The fortune you seek is in another cookie. Help! I am being held prisoner in a Chinese bakery. Confucius say: The road to riches is paved with homework. That wasn’t chicken. Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the … [Read more...]
Waste Not, Want Not
January 21, 2013 By 6 Comments
Growing up during the Great Depression, my late grandparents were the original recyclers and frugal beyond measure. They believed absolutely everything deserved a second chance at a new life, from a piece of string to an old pair of shoes. Perhaps it’s time to learn from an old saying, “waste not, want not.” Our grandparent’s penny-pinching philosophy may be worth another look in today’s throwaway society. Below is a list of “How To” tips from a booklet I found among my grandmother’s possessions, Household Hints, dated 1950. Some of the suggestions are worthy of a second look even in 2013. Others are a funny glimpse into the past. You decide. How to Be a Wise Housewife Fluff … [Read more...]
2014 New Year’s Non-Resolutions
December 29, 2012 By 8 Comments
Since New Year’s Resolutions are usually forgotten by January 2, I decided to try something different. Go ahead and laugh out loud at my interpretation of 2014 New Year's Non-Resolutions Stop clicking a button or link that says “I agree” before reading all the terms and conditions. You might be giving away cash or a kidney. Got high blood pressure? Heart disease? Eat more Brookside dark chocolate covered Goji berries with raspberry from Target. Antioxidants are good for you. Learn how to play the harmonica. Who knows? You might be the next Dan Aykroyd, Steven Tyler or Bob Dylan. Encourage your family to go to the gym often. You need more quiet time. Watch all the … [Read more...]
A Thanksgiving Day Plea On Behalf of Mom
November 19, 2012 By 1 Comment
Happy Thanksgiving Day! By now, like Sleeping Beauty, my family is waking from a deep slumber, wiping the crust from their eyes as they stumble into the kitchen in search of coffee. I bet it’s about 10:00 a.m. and they’re starting to wonder, “Where’s Mom?” Well, surprise, I have three words, “At the movies.” I have decided to take the day off. I’m exhausted by the thought of another Thanksgiving Day, spent in the scullery, sweating it out like Bikram Yoga. Enough with hot ovens, boiling pots and disgusting turkey giblets already. I’m Getting My Movie On, sitting in a comfy chair, hogging a whole box of popcorn and a large Diet Coke. Ha ha! Now don’t get me wrong, I love each … [Read more...]
Hot Sicilian Causes Gallbladder Attack
November 15, 2012 By 4 Comments
My love for a hot Sicilian started off innocently enough. But one thing led to another and a one-night stand became the beginning of a passionate affair. What started as sweet desire ended in extraordinary pain. I would be remiss if I didn’t mention how this happened to a happily married stay-at-home mom. Pursuing my dream of becoming a newspaper columnist, I sought an opportunity to see my name in print and signed up to be a cookbook critic. Pizza cookbooks drew me into their pages, tantalizing me with cheesy delights. Slinging pizza dough high in the air, Chef Emeril Lagasse had nothing over me. Homemade spicy marinara sauces simmered on the stovetop, crushed red pepper flakes … [Read more...]
Crap My Mother Sends
November 1, 2012 By Leave a Comment
If you’re like me, when it comes to emptying boxes after a move, I’m a regular whirlwind. To unpack crap means stuff everything into closets and drawers as swift as Apple develops a new iPhone. But this time around, I regarded the boxes and thought to myself, “Why do I keep moving this junk around? What the hell is in these boxes anyway?” I tackled the kitchen boxes first. As I unwrapped, it became clear that I have too much useless crap and made a pile called, “To Be Identified Later.” That evening, I reexamined the heap and realized that all the items had one thing in common, gifts from my mother over the last 22 years, since my wedding day. Congratulations! You’ve just won a new … [Read more...]
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