“What took you so long in the ladies' room? Anchorman 2 is about to start,” said my husband, flagging me towards theater five. Oh, he wants to know what took me so long? Can he handle the truth? “I’ll be right back. Gonna use the powder room. Wait here,” I said to my husband. I paused outside the bathroom door. Twenty women lined up like soldiers, purses holstered, feet tapping out an impatient beat. Memo to self, go before you leave home. Gals Go in Pairs For men who haven’t been paying attention, lines snake out the restroom, around the corner of the building, past the exit and through the parking lot. Gals go in pairs to have someone to wait it out with, like standing in line for … [Read more...]
Dear Santa Love Mom
December 24, 2013 By 4 Comments
Dear Santa, I’ve been a good mother and wife this year. I have processed more laundry than Hop Sing Laundromat and prepared more dishes than the Cheesecake Factory. I’ve watched 69 episodes of Duck Dynasty, blended 200 smoothies, ran 2,998 errands and schlepped a basketball team to 29 tournaments. I have only a few tiny requests. Very teeny requests actually. Let me explain. Do you mind asking my son to check his jean pockets before putting them in the dryer? Found to date: one dried garter snake, 15 lbs. of shredded paper and seven packs of gum. Could you send the refrigerator repairman a decent pair of pants? I was subjected to hairy butt crack on nine separate occasions. That's … [Read more...]
Christmas Karma and the Toilet Paper Trail
December 9, 2013 By Leave a Comment
All I know is karma’s a bitch. And never cop an attitude with an usher when you’re dragging a toilet paper trail. Last year, my mother braved Midwest blizzards, traffic and the airport to visit my family of four for Christmas in California. Our fun-filled week consisted of spiked eggnog, story telling, old movies and the mandatory trip to San Francisco. A commercial break during “A Christmas Story” advertised Riverdance, the popular Irish stepdancing group. Redheaded lads and lassies clicked across the stage. “Forget about seeing the Christmas Carol or the Nutcracker, can we see Riverdance?” asked my mom. I wanted to make her visit as memorable as possible and sprung for the good … [Read more...]
Warning! Don’t Dress Like a Mom
September 25, 2013 By 14 Comments
“Mom, it wouldn’t hurt for you to dress up a little before you drop us off at school,” says my 13-year-old daughter. Don't Dress Like a Mom And by “a little” she means stiletto heels, coiffed hair, and full makeup. Her fashion icon is a friend’s mother who has the audacity to be cool and put together by eight a.m. She wears trendy pumps, coordinated jewelry and designer sunglasses--a true fashion aficionado. Heck, I’m lucky to swing that on a long weekend. What kind of mother wears three-inch heels to walk the kids to school? Not to be excluded from the conversation, my 10-year-old son chimes in, “Seriously, Mom. It’s embarrassing. Try to look better.” Who's he kidding? Five … [Read more...]
How to Send Your Daughter Off to College
September 9, 2013 By 2 Comments
Sending my daughter to college for the first time was as confusing as the mysteries of the teenage mind. Ashley is our first-born and my husband and I had documented all her firsts: first steps, first words, first day of kindergarten, first car and now, first child to attend college. We recognized that everything we had done up to this point was practice. Throughout the summer, we shopped together for college essentials like toiletries, colorful bedding, laundry baskets, eating utensils, and power cords. She selected her college courses on-line and searched for a roommate through the school’s Facebook page. She was ready to begin a new adventure and had marked off the boxes on the … [Read more...]
What to Expect When You Own a Hamster
August 29, 2013 By 9 Comments
When my kids were younger they begged for a hamster. For Easter we surprised them with a brown longhaired teddy bear hamster, the perfect gateway pet. We purchased all the essentials; modular habitat complete with tree house, tunnels and a wheel ($40.89), exercise ball ($23.98), and chew toys ($3.99). Our kids (sort of) played with Chubby Cheeks for about three months and then ignored him. But the real nail in the coffin, the hamster grew a tumor. Not just any tumor but one that oozed, a pus-filled weeping red disgusting tumor. "The Hamster Problem" Soon the hamster was living in the laundry room. Since I washed all the clothes, it became my task to feed and care for him. But after … [Read more...]
Master of the Grill Teaches Son Finer Aspects of BBQ
June 27, 2013 By 10 Comments
My husband decided that the first day of summer was the perfect opportunity to teach to our teenage son the finer aspects of barbequing. I spied through the mini-blinds in amusement as they walked in unison to the silver behemoth in the backyard, the Grill Master 5000. My man raised the lid with as much reverence as the scene from Indiana Jones when he uncovered the Ark of the Covenant. In a poof, brown, crushed leaves and nine month's worth of dried bugs exploded out the top. Step-by-Step BBQ Instructions The Master and Teenage Apprentice spent the next thirty minutes with their heads deep within the confines of The Grill. Dad gestured with an 18-inch, professional-grade stainless … [Read more...]
Mom Fights Back at End of School Year
June 6, 2013 By 9 Comments
A few years ago, after dropping my kids off at middle school, I met a couple of friends at Starbucks. The conversations went something like this--- End of School Year “So, what’d you get on your report card?” I asked, tapping a venti latte with my nails. “Five A’s, 2B’s. How about you?” said another mom as she checked her cell phone. “Four A’s, one B and one C. Took me two parent teacher meetings and a call to the principal to get the C,” I said. “Try harder next time.” Things have gotten so bad that we feel personally responsible for kid’s failures, always trying to resolve problems. It’s time to stop helping so much and let them learn from the consequences of their … [Read more...]
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