After taking my son to get his permit at the DMV, I said to myself, "Hey, this place feels like home." Everyone is always mad at you. “If you don’t have an appointment, you’re in the wrong line,” says the first person I meet at the DMV, his nostrils flaring. Returning home after grocery shopping, a wave of anger hits me in the face. “Did you remember the Pop-Tarts?” whines my son. “You don’t expect me to watch Castle on TV?” complains my hubby. There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home. There’s lots of eye rolling. “Is this the line to renew your license?” I say. A huge arm points to the farthest corner of the DMV. “Read the signs, lady. It’s over there,” says … [Read more...]
Don’t Lick the Minivan Book Release
May 23, 2013 By 2 Comments
My friend and fellow blogger, Leanne Shirtliffe, has released a new book, Don’t Lick the Minivan and Other Things I Never Thought I’d Say To My Kids (Skyhorse, May 2013). This is the first time I’ve ever called someone a friend that I have never met. I’ve been following her blog for months and attended her webinar, How To Write Funny (Er): 10 Humor Techniques for Writers of Fiction and Nonfiction. I feel like I know her now! Leanne asked me to be part of her Don’t Lick the Minivan book release, or the DLM Street Team. I was fortunate to get an advance copy of her book and wanted to share it with you. Her humor hits the spot for the mom trying to please everyone, with very little … [Read more...]
What Women Really Want For Mother’s Day
May 9, 2013 By 6 Comments
It's Mother's Day Is it a complete mystery what women really want for Mother's Day? My day was always big bust and I was too exhausted to endure it again. This Mother's Day I came up with a brilliant idea. Two days before the big event, I prepared my answer to the question, “What do you want for Mother’s Day?” “Nothing,” I said. “Come on, we have to get you something. What do you want?” “Nothing. I want a day filled with nothing. No fighting. No laundry. No cooking. No TV,” I said. “You’re just saying that. You’d be mad if we don’t get you a gift.” “Nope. This is what I really want.” “No way. That’s too hard. Just let us get you a gift.” I stood my … [Read more...]
Wasting Time? A Writer’s Diary Exposed
March 27, 2013 By 10 Comments
Why am I wasting so much time? I started a writer's diary in my quest for answers. Today 6:30 Repeat five times, “Today is the day I am going to work on my NOVEL.” 6:40 Brush teeth. Check email. Oh boy, 40 new messages. Delete 39. 6:50 Wake up son for school, start breakfast, tidy up kitchen, run a load of laundry, drive son to school. 8:00 Check Internet. Must know more about sinkhole in Florida that opened up and swallowed a man. 8:10 Phone rings. Mother shares weird neighbor story. Is it really possible to set house on fire by turning on hair dryer and washing machine at the same time? Doubtful. 8:30 Draft new blog, “101 Ways to Avoid Writing a … [Read more...]
I Hate Brussels Sprouts
February 15, 2013 By 20 Comments
I hate Brussels sprouts. My aversion to “The Sprouts” goes back to elementary school days when my parents and grandparents insisted I follow the Clean Plate Club and eat every bite of food placed in front of me and that included Brussels sprouts. As a kid, I wasn’t considered a picky eater. I choked down chicken liver with onions, Vienna sausages, overcooked vegetables, tuna noodle casserole, fried bologna, and canned ham. I ate it all. But disgusting tiny, green, soggy, lettuce balls? Barf! Even the name alone irked me, “Brussels sprouts. “ What’s with the capital B and the extra ‘s’ at the end? No other vegetable gets the right to have a capital. It’s so uppity. For … [Read more...]
Grandparents Return Gifts, Even Plants
February 7, 2013 By 5 Comments
My grandparents return gifts, even plants. Their excuses for returning our gifts ranged from too large, too tight, wrong color, useless, costly, confusing or purchased under the wrong zodiac sign. All our presents had been returned for 40 years. It was good etiquette to accept a gift graciously but my grandparents were the exception. “Return it, dear. We don’t need it,” Grandmother said in her girlish voice. “Save your money. You keep it,” growled Grandpa, tugging up his baggy trousers. Each year, my mother continued to be disappointed and surprised by their insensitivity. “Mom, they do this every time,” I said. “They hate everything we give them. Stop buying them stuff. Give gift … [Read more...]
Going Back to My Childhood Home
January 28, 2013 By 6 Comments
Nothing was more frustrating than going back to my childhood home and discovering that no matter how much I’ve changed, everything there remained the same. Floorboards creaked. Front door squeaked. Kitchen sink leaked. And my mother was not bothered in the least. Sleepover Gone Bad Traveling to the Midwest in the winter usually results in flight cancellations and delays. This trip was no different. Three schedule changes later, I arrived at my mother’s front door. She grabbed me by the shoulders and smothered me with hugs and kisses. After talking with her for hours, I needed to break away and get rid of the airplane grime. “I’m gonna take a fast shower,” I told my … [Read more...]
A Thanksgiving Day Plea On Behalf of Mom
November 19, 2012 By 1 Comment
Happy Thanksgiving Day! By now, like Sleeping Beauty, my family is waking from a deep slumber, wiping the crust from their eyes as they stumble into the kitchen in search of coffee. I bet it’s about 10:00 a.m. and they’re starting to wonder, “Where’s Mom?” Well, surprise, I have three words, “At the movies.” I have decided to take the day off. I’m exhausted by the thought of another Thanksgiving Day, spent in the scullery, sweating it out like Bikram Yoga. Enough with hot ovens, boiling pots and disgusting turkey giblets already. I’m Getting My Movie On, sitting in a comfy chair, hogging a whole box of popcorn and a large Diet Coke. Ha ha! Now don’t get me wrong, I love each … [Read more...]
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