When my kids were younger they begged for a hamster. For Easter we surprised them with a brown longhaired teddy bear hamster, the perfect gateway pet. We purchased all the essentials; modular habitat complete with tree house, tunnels and a wheel ($40.89), exercise ball ($23.98), and chew toys ($3.99). Our kids (sort of) played with Chubby Cheeks for about three months and then ignored him. But the real nail in the coffin, the hamster grew a tumor. Not just any tumor but one that oozed, a pus-filled weeping red disgusting tumor. "The Hamster Problem" Soon the hamster was living in the laundry room. Since I washed all the clothes, it became my task to feed and care for him. But after … [Read more...]
Mom Fights Back at End of School Year
June 6, 2013 By 9 Comments
A few years ago, after dropping my kids off at middle school, I met a couple of friends at Starbucks. The conversations went something like this--- End of School Year “So, what’d you get on your report card?” I asked, tapping a venti latte with my nails. “Five A’s, 2B’s. How about you?” said another mom as she checked her cell phone. “Four A’s, one B and one C. Took me two parent teacher meetings and a call to the principal to get the C,” I said. “Try harder next time.” Things have gotten so bad that we feel personally responsible for kid’s failures, always trying to resolve problems. It’s time to stop helping so much and let them learn from the consequences of their … [Read more...]
How Being Mom is Like the Department of Motor Vehicles – DMV
May 30, 2013 By 18 Comments
After taking my son to get his permit at the DMV, I said to myself, "Hey, this place feels like home." Everyone is always mad at you. “If you don’t have an appointment, you’re in the wrong line,” says the first person I meet at the DMV, his nostrils flaring. Returning home after grocery shopping, a wave of anger hits me in the face. “Did you remember the Pop-Tarts?” whines my son. “You don’t expect me to watch Castle on TV?” complains my hubby. There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home. There’s lots of eye rolling. “Is this the line to renew your license?” I say. A huge arm points to the farthest corner of the DMV. “Read the signs, lady. It’s over there,” says … [Read more...]
What Women Really Want For Mother’s Day
May 9, 2013 By 6 Comments
It's Mother's Day Is it a complete mystery what women really want for Mother's Day? My day was always big bust and I was too exhausted to endure it again. This Mother's Day I came up with a brilliant idea. Two days before the big event, I prepared my answer to the question, “What do you want for Mother’s Day?” “Nothing,” I said. “Come on, we have to get you something. What do you want?” “Nothing. I want a day filled with nothing. No fighting. No laundry. No cooking. No TV,” I said. “You’re just saying that. You’d be mad if we don’t get you a gift.” “Nope. This is what I really want.” “No way. That’s too hard. Just let us get you a gift.” I stood my … [Read more...]
I Hate Brussels Sprouts
February 15, 2013 By 20 Comments
I hate Brussels sprouts. My aversion to “The Sprouts” goes back to elementary school days when my parents and grandparents insisted I follow the Clean Plate Club and eat every bite of food placed in front of me and that included Brussels sprouts. As a kid, I wasn’t considered a picky eater. I choked down chicken liver with onions, Vienna sausages, overcooked vegetables, tuna noodle casserole, fried bologna, and canned ham. I ate it all. But disgusting tiny, green, soggy, lettuce balls? Barf! Even the name alone irked me, “Brussels sprouts. “ What’s with the capital B and the extra ‘s’ at the end? No other vegetable gets the right to have a capital. It’s so uppity. For … [Read more...]
Grandparents Return Gifts, Even Plants
February 7, 2013 By 5 Comments
My grandparents return gifts, even plants. Their excuses for returning our gifts ranged from too large, too tight, wrong color, useless, costly, confusing or purchased under the wrong zodiac sign. All our presents had been returned for 40 years. It was good etiquette to accept a gift graciously but my grandparents were the exception. “Return it, dear. We don’t need it,” Grandmother said in her girlish voice. “Save your money. You keep it,” growled Grandpa, tugging up his baggy trousers. Each year, my mother continued to be disappointed and surprised by their insensitivity. “Mom, they do this every time,” I said. “They hate everything we give them. Stop buying them stuff. Give gift … [Read more...]
Crap My Mother Sends
November 1, 2012 By Leave a Comment
If you’re like me, when it comes to emptying boxes after a move, I’m a regular whirlwind. To unpack crap means stuff everything into closets and drawers as swift as Apple develops a new iPhone. But this time around, I regarded the boxes and thought to myself, “Why do I keep moving this junk around? What the hell is in these boxes anyway?” I tackled the kitchen boxes first. As I unwrapped, it became clear that I have too much useless crap and made a pile called, “To Be Identified Later.” That evening, I reexamined the heap and realized that all the items had one thing in common, gifts from my mother over the last 22 years, since my wedding day. Congratulations! You’ve just won a new … [Read more...]
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