Today a strange woman fondled my breast. She trapped me in an awkward position, manhandled my boobs, and called me cruel names. And for a while I tolerated her poor treatment. Breast Exam I was getting a breast exam. If you’re like me, you postpone getting an annual mammogram for as long as possible. It hurts. But that little voice in your head keeps nagging, “Get it over with. It won’t be so bad this time.” At Mercy Healthcare, an assistant carrying a clipboard led me into the changing area and instructed me to strip to the waist, put on a flimsy gown and wait for the technician. Moments later, a stocky lady with mousey brown hair yelled, “Next.” That’s me. Torture … [Read more...]
How to Write Funny
February 18, 2014 By 10 Comments
So, you need a few tips on how to write funny? No one knows exactly what makes a person laugh but I do know a couple of writing tricks to guarantee a giggle. First, I hunt in books, newspapers and the Internet for curious words and clever phrases. Then, I use my collection to enrich my writing and keep it fresh. Here are a few examples of my word anthology: Onomatopoeia Pronounced (on-o-mat-o-pee-a): noun. The naming of a thing or action by a vocal imitation of the sound associated with it (as buzz, hiss) Remember the classic 1960s Batman and Robin TV show? The fight scenes were filled with delicious words like Zoink, Bam, Zap, Whammm and Krunch. Onomatopoeia will add a snap, crackle, … [Read more...]
I Want Sister Wives for Valentine’s Day
February 12, 2014 By 7 Comments
Sister Wives for Valentine's Day What do I want for Valentine’s Day? Sister Wives! If you’re like me, you need Sister Wives to help out around the house, relieve stress, do the shopping. I’m a big fan of Sister Wives, a reality show in its fourth season on TLC. It snuck up and shocked viewers despite the lack of bad language, sex and fighting. It’s about the Brown Family, Kody and his four wives: Meri, Janelle, Christine and Robyn. They’re Fundamentalist Mormons: one husband, four wives and 17 children living in Las Vegas, Nevada. The Brown’s are fascinating http://www.tlc.com/tv-shows/sister-wives/photos/brown-family-pictures.htm After watching for a year, I realized the perfect gift … [Read more...]
Here’s a Quick Way to Catch a Raccoon
February 6, 2014 By 8 Comments
To catch a raccoon became my mission. Each night, it ambushed our lawn, flattened leafy plants and ripped the grass to shreds. Chunks of sod rolled over. At this rate, we’d be down to topsoil and tree roots by the end of the month. I called Carl’s Critter Control and explained our problem. Help was on the way. The next day, he examined our yard and said, “Yep, you got raccoons. Best to kill what they eat. I’ll treat for grubs.” Raccoon Escargot What the heck do they eat? Turns out cream colored coiled grubs and beetles burrowed in our lawn, the raccoon’s version of escargot. He injected the lawn with chemicals to kill the meal. For about two weeks, the treatment worked and we … [Read more...]
No Toilet Paper in the Ladies’ Room? Bring Your Own!
January 1, 2014 By 4 Comments
“What took you so long in the ladies' room? Anchorman 2 is about to start,” said my husband, flagging me towards theater five. Oh, he wants to know what took me so long? Can he handle the truth? “I’ll be right back. Gonna use the powder room. Wait here,” I said to my husband. I paused outside the bathroom door. Twenty women lined up like soldiers, purses holstered, feet tapping out an impatient beat. Memo to self, go before you leave home. Gals Go in Pairs For men who haven’t been paying attention, lines snake out the restroom, around the corner of the building, past the exit and through the parking lot. Gals go in pairs to have someone to wait it out with, like standing in line for … [Read more...]
Dear Santa Love Mom
December 24, 2013 By 4 Comments
Dear Santa, I’ve been a good mother and wife this year. I have processed more laundry than Hop Sing Laundromat and prepared more dishes than the Cheesecake Factory. I’ve watched 69 episodes of Duck Dynasty, blended 200 smoothies, ran 2,998 errands and schlepped a basketball team to 29 tournaments. I have only a few tiny requests. Very teeny requests actually. Let me explain. Do you mind asking my son to check his jean pockets before putting them in the dryer? Found to date: one dried garter snake, 15 lbs. of shredded paper and seven packs of gum. Could you send the refrigerator repairman a decent pair of pants? I was subjected to hairy butt crack on nine separate occasions. That's … [Read more...]
High Pressure Christmas Kiosks Bring On Mall Madness
December 19, 2013 By 1 Comment
On the sixth day of Christmas, the mall gave to me, six angry sales teams, five new languages, four aroma pillows, three tubs of sea salt, two hair straighteners, and a partridge in a pear tree. As the refrain from “The Twelve Days of Christmas” echoes through my head, I wander the mall avoiding eye contact with Christmas kiosk employees. Who hasn’t been stopped midstream by perky cell phone employees begging, “try our service” or “switch today”? Who hasn’t had fragrant lotion squeezed onto their hands while taking cover from flying helicopters or tiny, motorized cars zipping around their feet? But while I tried to avoid their seduction, the magnetic attraction is too … [Read more...]
Christmas Karma and the Toilet Paper Trail
December 9, 2013 By Leave a Comment
All I know is karma’s a bitch. And never cop an attitude with an usher when you’re dragging a toilet paper trail. Last year, my mother braved Midwest blizzards, traffic and the airport to visit my family of four for Christmas in California. Our fun-filled week consisted of spiked eggnog, story telling, old movies and the mandatory trip to San Francisco. A commercial break during “A Christmas Story” advertised Riverdance, the popular Irish stepdancing group. Redheaded lads and lassies clicked across the stage. “Forget about seeing the Christmas Carol or the Nutcracker, can we see Riverdance?” asked my mom. I wanted to make her visit as memorable as possible and sprung for the good … [Read more...]
AVAILABLE NOW!
Follow Us!