Mother’s Day was always big bust and I was too exhausted to endure it again. This year I came up with a brilliant idea. Two days before the big event, I prepared my answer to the question, “What do you want for Mother’s Day?” “Nothing,” I said. “Come on, we have to get you something. What do you want?” “Nothing. I want a day filled with nothing. No fighting. No laundry. No cooking. No TV,” I said. “You’re just saying that. You’d be mad if we don’t get you a gift.” “Nope. This is what I really want.” “No way. That’s too hard. Just let us get you a gift.” I stood my ground and reminded my family that I had been asking for nothing for years. I have suffered … [Read more...]
Who the Hell is Joyce Newman Scott?
April 21, 2014 By 29 Comments
Ever hate a person you’ve never even met? For me that was Joyce Ann Newman Scott. My plans to stay at the Marriott in Dayton, Ohio for the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop last week fell apart. I was stuck at a Holiday Inn, 10 miles away, referred to by the attendees as the “Kids’ Table.” “Got to worm my way into the Marriot. It’s right across the street from all the action,” I thought to myself. I struck gold when I received this email. “Hi, my name is Terri. My friend said you are looking for a roommate. Still interested?” she asked. Bingo, my lucky day. Roommate Wanted: Must Not Snore “Sure,” I emailed. “As long as you don’t snore, grind your teeth or have night frights, it’s … [Read more...]
Erma Bombeck Stand-Up Comedy
April 7, 2014 By 2 Comments
I'm doing stand-up comedy at the Erma Bombeck Writers' Workshop this Saturday. I received an email from the conference that 18 of the 40 attendees were selected. I'm trying to get over the jitters as we speak. This year there are 350 attendees plus speakers. Back by popular demand, I decided my skit would be "To The Woman Who Fondled My Breast." I made a few revisions below. I will be doing three different voices: my own, my thoughts and the female technician. I hope I can keep it all straight. Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop on April 10-12, 2014* The Bombeck Workshop is the only one in the country devoted to both humor and human interest writing. Through the workshop, the University of … [Read more...]
April Fool’s Day Ain’t For Amateurs
March 27, 2014 By 1 Comment
One thing I know for certain, the key to a successful April Fool’s Day prank involves knowing your victims’ routine. Amateurs need not apply. Our friend, Scott, told my husband and me that his wife hit a deer on a country back road driving home from the work. We quizzed him for all the details in order to set the trap. Then we asked him to make sure Casey answered the phone the next day. The Prank “Mrs. S, this is Officer Smedley with the Fulton County Police,” said my husband over the telephone in his best impersonation of a southern accent. “I understand you hit a deer yesterday on U.S. Route 19 around 7:00 p.m.” “Um, yes,” said Casey, clearing her throat. She sounds as … [Read more...]
I’m Featured on Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop
March 25, 2014 By 2 Comments
It's a great privilege to be featured on Erma Bombeck Writers' Workshop this week. In addition to showcasing different humorous authors, this site provides advice for writers, author interviews, markets and contests. One of my favorite sections is called, "Erma Says." “Do you know what depression is? It's sitting in your doctor's examination room. In a paper dress. On a cold table. And it's the high spot of your week.” (from "Dumpy Paper Dress--March 31, 1977," which appears in Forever Erma) Erma Bombeck Writers' Workshop The Erma Bombeck Writers' Workshop will be held at the University of Dayton on April 10-12. Guess who's going? That's right! I was one of the first 350 to snag a … [Read more...]
To the Woman Who Fondled My Breast
March 18, 2014 By 16 Comments
Today a strange woman fondled my breast. She trapped me in an awkward position, manhandled my boobs, and called me cruel names. And for a while I tolerated her poor treatment. Breast Exam I was getting a breast exam. If you’re like me, you postpone getting an annual mammogram for as long as possible. It hurts. But that little voice in your head keeps nagging, “Get it over with. It won’t be so bad this time.” At Mercy Healthcare, an assistant carrying a clipboard led me into the changing area and instructed me to strip to the waist, put on a flimsy gown and wait for the technician. Moments later, a stocky lady with mousey brown hair yelled, “Next.” That’s me. Torture … [Read more...]
Here’s a Quick Way to Catch a Raccoon
February 6, 2014 By 8 Comments
To catch a raccoon became my mission. Each night, it ambushed our lawn, flattened leafy plants and ripped the grass to shreds. Chunks of sod rolled over. At this rate, we’d be down to topsoil and tree roots by the end of the month. I called Carl’s Critter Control and explained our problem. Help was on the way. The next day, he examined our yard and said, “Yep, you got raccoons. Best to kill what they eat. I’ll treat for grubs.” Raccoon Escargot What the heck do they eat? Turns out cream colored coiled grubs and beetles burrowed in our lawn, the raccoon’s version of escargot. He injected the lawn with chemicals to kill the meal. For about two weeks, the treatment worked and we … [Read more...]
Oops! Video Camera Catches Neighbor in Stolen PJs
January 30, 2014 By 8 Comments
Last week, I received the following alert from Crime Prevention Unit of the Pleasanton Police Department, “FW: Press Release - Residential Burglary Suspect Arrested.” I thought, “Hot damn. I better get busy.” You see, I’m the neighborhood block caption. The SWAT team has personally thanked me for my hard work. That’s another story. Stolen PJs Anyway, a local woman was arrested on suspicion of stealing furniture, tools, and electronics from her neighbor, including pajamas. Based on the newspaper photo, I had a sneaky feeling we had met. I sent out a group email to my friends with the information. Here’s a copy of our email exchange--- To: Friends: Wanted you to be … [Read more...]
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