Funny Ways to Open an Amazon Package During Covid19

Funny Ways to Open an Amazon Package During Covid19 Stacey GustafsonThese days, we handle every Amazon delivery like Tom Cruise disarming a bomb in Mission: Impossible – Fallout.

Yet, the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) tell us, “Because of poor survivability of the coronaviruses on surfaces, there is likely very low risk of spread from products or packaging.”

Blah, blah blah.

Let’s face it. Our fear of dying causes us to disregard CDC’s statement. From this point forward, we shall handle an Amazon delivery with the precision of a bomb squad.

Step 1: Access the Situation

Our Amazon delivery was due to arrive any day. With so many orders, Amazon lagged behind. No more opportunity to place an order first thing in the morning and have it arrive by evening.

“Hey,” I said to my husband, my ear cocked toward the front door. “I hear the Amazon truck out front. Go check.”

“Stand down, woman,” he said from the other room. “According to Amazon, delivery personnel will keep a healthy distance away from customers.”

“We can’t be too safe,” I nagged. “Look out the window and wait until he’s gone.”

Mike pulled aside the living room curtain and peeked outside. He yelled, “Okay, he pulled away. We’re in the clear.”

“Gosh, that was a close one,” I mumbled.

How to Become a Bomb Disposal Technician

Step 2: Inspect Package

After inspecting the package from the comfort of our living room, we proceeded with caution. My husband donned a surgical mask, clear plastic latex gloves and entered the porch area. He gave me a thumbs-up sign as he paced around the package, judging it from all angles.

Step 3: Neutralize

“Stand at a safe distance then hit it with a high-pressure jet of Lysol,” I shouted thorough the glass, gesturing crazily with my hands just in case he couldn’t hear me.

Step 4: Transport Package

I stared in awe from the safety of the foyer as my brave husband carefully used two outstretched manhands to tear open the top, he reached in and removed contents.

“Come on, come on. I’ll hold the door,” I said, waving him inside. “Place it on the kitchen counter. I’ve wiped the area down with disinfectant wipes. It’s safe.”

Step 5: Destroy Box

After the contents were placed on the counter, he carried the box directly to the outdoor trashcan. Opening an Amazon package was as stressful as working in the ER without a mask.

Then he washed his hands again. We stared in wonder at the contents of the box, Cottonelle Ultra Clean Care Toilet paper, 12 double rolls.

We were safe for another 13 days.

Stay tuned for next week, “How to Handle Pizza Delivery Like a Hostage Negotiation.”

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  1. Regina Stoops says

    Nailed it! my joy at receiving an Amazon package is now tempered by all the effort to save my life when receiving an Amazon package.

  2. Camille Thompson says

    Loved it! And honestly, very little exaggeration! We leave ours in the foyer overnight until all the creepy crawlers die! Fun read!

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