Middle-age creeps up on you as fast as diarrhea spreads on a cruise ship. I wanted to deny the signs but you can’t ignore the math. If you multiply your age by two and the answer’s greater than 90, you’re middle-aged. Here are the 6 signs you’re middle-aged:
Do Not Recognize Celebrities
I can only recognize 20% of the celebrities in People Magazine, television, and the Internet. Instead, the stars of my youth are on the cover of AARP Magazine like David Cassidy, Harrison Ford, Dennis Quaid and Valerie Bertinelli. Yeash, they look bad!
Lose Glasses
Looking for my reading glasses is an hourly occurrence. It’s a perpetual game of hide and seek that I keep winning because one pair is always around my neck and another on my forehead.
More Than One Chin
At 48, I have more chins than arms. And I refer to “chin” in the plural. I’ve resorted to wearing mock turtlenecks in the summer in order to have a place to tuck the extra skin. When posing for pictures, I tilt my head upward, like I’m thinking, to elongate my neck and stretch out the folds.
Spy on Neighbors
Remember when your grandparents would peek through the miniblinds and complain about their neighbors? That’s me. Yesterday I banged on window when the guy across the street stole the neighbor’s newspaper. And when the people behind us started a pool party at 11p.m., I crouched down under the windowsill and shouted, “Go to bed.”
When I Was a Kid…
I’ve start every sentence with the saying, “When I was a kid…”
- “…I never talked back to my parents or I would get the belt”
- “…there were only three channels on television. Your parents never worried about you seeing nudity, sex scenes or hearing four letter words.”
- “…there was no such thing as a drug problem. You were looked down on if you smoked cigarettes or got drunk.”
- “…public schools had a dress code. No ripped jeans allowed. Girls were embarrassed if their bra strap showed and skirts had to be knee length. If you broke these rules, you were sent home.”
Moan When Moving
If you’re like me, by the time you’re middle-aged, you moan when you move. I grunt when I go from sitting to standing. I groan when I get out of the car, bend down to pick up something off the ground, get out of a chair, tie my shoes or shave my legs. My noises are louder than my kid’s complaints on trash day.
Based on my midlife changes, I’m just hanging on and hoping for the best by 50. If that means soft foods with a shot of Metamucil each day, I say bring it!
Click below for quotes from famous people regarding middle-aged.
http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/middle-age
Do you have any funny stories to share about being middle-aged?
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What fun you are!
j
You gave me a funny idea. My next story, “My Bra Has Seen Better Days.” Thanks for sharing my stories.
It isn’t just the moaning and groaning that gets to me when I get from the floor, it’s the need to balance myself like an Olympic weightlifter before I can hoist myself to standing!
If it’s on the floor, just leave it. Count on the next guy to pick it up!
Great article, Stacey! Thanks for always making me laugh. You are so talented.
Thanks for the comment. My next story, “My Three Chins.”
I groan most when i get up from a chair. That’s why we’re called “groanups”.
That’s a good one. Thanks for reading. Go get your funny on!
Groanups, LOL, James.
That’s why i 2 dozens of reading glasses scattered all over the house and even then i ended up not having one when i need them..hahahaha
I thought I was the only who did that. When I can’t find mine, I take my husband’s. He has a couple pair in different rooms too. One can never have too many glasses.
Notice that you only step on the expensive glasses?
Did you know that you gave me my first pair? Sadly, my eyes have gotten worse and I’ve moved up a few notches.
Ever notice how the definition of middle-aged gets stretched depending on the age of the person doing the calculating? Heck, I’m middle-aged, I just have to live to be more than 125!
I love the picture you added, Stacey.
Julie, I’m all for 125.