Funny Fortune Cookies You Must Read

Fortune CookieReally?  Do you enjoy that dry, tasteless fortune cookie after Chinese take-out or do you just want to read the free fortune and lucky numbers?  This week I had a chance to create two bags of custom fortune cookies.  I couldn’t pass up this opportunity to collect some of the funniest and share them with you.


Funny Fortune Cookies

  • You seek to find meaning from a little slip of paper inside a cookie. You are gullible.
  • The fortune you seek is in another cookie.
  • Help!  I am being held prisoner in a Chinese bakery.
  • Confucius say:  The road to riches is paved with homework.
  • That wasn’t chicken.
  • Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
  • Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
  • Don’t fry bacon in the nude.
  • When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
  • You will be hungry again in one hour.
  • You can always find happiness at work on Friday.

Snarky Fortunes

  • You will live long enough to become a burden to your children, if you haven’t already.
  • We will still need you and feed you when you’re 64. But all bets are off at 65.
  • You will become your parents.

Read more about the snarky fortune cookie creator, Ray Richmond.

Celebrity Fortunes

  • Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it. – Bill Cosby
  • Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things. – George Carlin
  • If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door. – Milton Berle
  • The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. – Lucille Ball

Got a funny fortune you want to share?  Please leave a comment!


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  1. Hector Timourian says

    frying bacon in the nude is no joke, next time I’ll wear an apron!

  2. Bill Cosby’s words really spoke to me. And I’ve already become my mom! 😉

  3. Many years ago, my family and I went to Toronto and ate at a fabulous Chinese restaurant. By the time the fortune cookies came I was so full I didn’t care that they tasted like cardboard, I wasn’t going to eat it anyway. I just wanted that little slip of paper. We went around the table, and one by one we opened and read our fortunes. Mine said, “You will find your future in law.” Since I’d already been practicing law for a decade, I was a bit perplexed. Maybe the cookie was ten years old?

  4. During my many years as a college counselor, I read millions of student essays. One of my biggest pet peeves is when a kid says “All my hard work paid off.” I can’t say why–it just drives me nuts. So one day, I took myself out to lunch at my favorite Chinese restaurant. I got my cookie at the end, cracked it open and guess what it said? Yes, “Your hard work is about to pay off.” I keep that fortune on my desk where I can see it. Still waiting…

  5. May I quote some of your Fortune Cookie messages? Tell me how to credit you?

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