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Today I am featuring Elaine Ambrose and her story, “What Happens When Bad Grandma Babysits?” on “Are You Kidding Me?” She asked me to review her latest book, Midlife Cabernet: Life, Love & Laughter After Fifty. She’s another funny gal I met at the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop. Swing by her blog, Midlife Cabernet on ElaineAmbrose.com.

Guest Blogger – Elaine Ambrose

My two granddaughters, ages 6 and 4, came to play with me while their parents were out of town. The first ten minutes were splendid. No screaming, no urgent demands for gourmet food, and no poop on the dining table. Then all hell broke loose. Mr. Bill and the Waldorf doll opened the Crown Royal, the Potato Head cowboy seduced Ms. Carrot with chocolates and wine, and the runaway bunny ran away but his mommy didn’t care.

Playroom Trashed

The parents were gone less than an hour before the playroom resembled the aftermath of a violent tornado, a chaotic cavalcade of cups and carving knives covered my kitchen floor, and a bag of reward treats mysteriously disappeared. I considered calling the airport to stop their airplane, but the older child had taken my phone, locked herself in the bathroom, and was downloading game apps while the younger girl climbed the plant stand to pull off and eat all the leaves from my prized Christmas cactus. I glanced at my watch: only five hours until bedtime. Could I endure?

We played for hours and made crafts, read books, and enjoyed a tea party with the teddy bears. After dinner, we all got soaked as I attempted to give them a bath. The evening ended with story time and rocking the little one. As they snuggled into bed, I turned on the lullaby channel on the Pandora station and expressed gratitude that no blood had been shed. My dear husband Studley slipped me a glass of wine and we quietly celebrated. Day one, mission accomplished.

Over the next few days I followed my daughter’s two-page, detailed schedule with instructions for medicine dosages, organic and gluten-free foods, pre-school times, and where to catch the bus for elementary school. Occasionally I can follow directions so both children were fed, dressed, and transported to the appropriate places, giving me time to go home and stand in a hot shower until my eye stopped twitching.

Let’s Eat Dessert First

By the fourth day, playtime was less structured, dessert came first, and I lost my daughter’s meticulous orders. My activities probably wouldn’t be sanctioned by the local mommy clubs, but we laughed ourselves silly telling knock-knock jokes and staging antics with the toys. Who knew the Waldorf doll was such a scamp?

(Note to my daughter: Some of this isn’t true. Well, the part about poop on the dining table really happened, but the person involved and the table have been cleaned.)

By the end of our time together, we had listened to the theme song “Let it Go” from the Disney movie Frozen approximately 1,836 times. I’ll need intensive therapy to get the tune out of my head. The song is more than three minutes long, so it provided the perfect bribe and distraction for combing through wet hair. That tactic was nicer than having them bite on pencils while I untangled the mess. Next time I’m giving them a total buzz cut.

The parents returned and brought me fresh bread and fine wine from San Francisco. I really should reward them because I had a great time and I love those little girls with all my heart. Now the house is way too quiet, but I’ll adjust. But I’m eager for the next time Pumpkin and Sweetie Pie come for a sleep-over. I want them to keep singing and not forget that Tutu has more stories to tell. They’ll never believe what those naughty teddy bears did last week!

Midlife Cabernet: Life, Love & Laughter After Fifty

Amazon and Goodreads Review by Stacey Gustafson

Divorce rate is on the rise and Elaine is out to prove her friends wrong by dating after 50. From kegels to grandkids, Midlife Cabernet is the perfect book for midlife and beyond. Join her as she searches for a man that laughs at her jokes and kisses her every night and morning. She shares with the reader her love of wine and backrubs on Valentine’s Day over dumb gifts like a four-foot Vermont teddy bear.

She offers useful tips for finding love after divorce at Midlife like: don’t look for it, stay healthy and exercise regularly, keep busy, avoid the temptation to settle, wear sexy panties every day and believe in yourself.

Her insightful lists like “Top Ten Reasons I Love Life After Fifty” are hilarious and relatable. Aren’t you glad you no longer have to deal with screaming kids at the mall? Wear pointy stilettos to work? Now you’re finally free to have sex with the door opened.

If you like to laugh, join Elaine as she fights “old age with the tenacity of Wonder Woman.”

Available for purchase on Amazon.

http://www.amazon.com/Midlife-Cabernet-Laughter-After-Fifty/dp/0988398079/ref=cm_rdp_product

Elaine Ambrose

Elaine Ambrose has authored or coauthored ten books, including Menopause Sucks and Drinking with Dead Women Writers. Her new book Midlife Cabernet provides witty words of wisdom about midlife love, party time in the empty nest, and adventures in eldercare. Her blog “Midlife Cabernet” is published on BlogHer.com. She lives in Eagle, Idaho with her husband and near her grown children and grandchildren. Visit her website at ElaineAmbrose.com.