How to Bribe Anyone With Enough Money Even Your Pastor

Would you use bribery on your husband? A pastor? How far How to Bribe Anyone With Enough Money Even God Stacey Gustafsonwould you go to make a problem go away? In the news this week, over 50 parents were involved in a conspiracy to get their college kids into top-notch universities through bribery. What if money wasn’t an issue? Would you resort to bribery too? Let’s forget about the unethical topics like getting your kid into an Ivy League college. Time to think bigger, like how do I get more sprinkles on my donut?

List of Defendants

Bribery is the act of giving or receiving something of value in exchange for some kind of influence or action in return, that the recipient would otherwise not offer.

Bribery At Donut Shop

Location: Baker’s Dozen Shop

Donut Lady: Can I help you?

Me: Yes, I’d like a glazed donut with a few extra pink sprinkles.

Donut Lady: Well, we’ve finished making our donuts for the day. You’ll have to pick from our display.

Me: Oh, can’t you just add a few extra sprinkles to the ones you already have? How about if I give you a little extra for your troubles?

Bribe: $1

Bribery At Subway

Location: Subway

Me: Can I get two extra slices of turkey for my 6” whole-wheat cold cut combo?

Subway Guy: Sorry, but our sandwiches are perfectly measured and predetermined by corporate.

Me: What about now? (Wave a big bill in his face)

Subway Guy: I’ll see what I can do.

Bribe: $5

Restaurant Bribery

Location: Ristorante Capeo

Me: Sir, I can barely read your menu. Think you could turn up the lightening in this restaurant?

Waiter: Sorry lady, but at Ristorante Capeo we believe that low lighting is what our patrons desire. It’s romantic. Plus, we’ve discovered that dim lighting makes you eat more.

Me: I don’t agree.

Bribe: $20

Elementary School Teacher Bribery

Location: Outside elementary classroom

Me: Excuse me, Ms. Smiley, but would you consider extending recess by, let’s say, one hour? It would really benefit me if my son returned home from school more exhausted and went to bed a little earlier tonight.

Teacher: Gosh, we are under a strict, inflexible schedule dictated by the school board. Recess is only 10 minutes.

Me: How about if I stuff a little bonus into your purse? Just look the other way for a moment.

Bribe: $100

Husband Bribery

Location: In bed, 11PM

Me: Roll over. You’re snoring. (nudge husband in the ribs)

Him: Fine. I’ll roll over. Now leave me alone.

Bribe: Kiss

Office Bribery

Location: The Office

Me: Mr. Bossman, I’m getting seasonal affective disorder by the lack of sunlight in this office. How about if I get a cubicle next to a window? One houseplant would be nice too.

Mr. Bossman: Our organizational chart has been determined by rank. An employee at your level only gets a regular cubical in the center of the floor. Sorry.

Me: Are you positive nothing can be done? (I flash some cash.)

Mr. Bossman: Check back tomorrow.

Bribe: $500

Pastor Bribery

Location: Church Foyer

Me: Pastor Frank, hope you don’t mind a suggestion. But since attendance has been a down, maybe you can shorten the service by 15 minutes? I think if you cut out the sign of peace and that final prayer, you’d be right on track.

Pastor Frank: Well, um, that’s an interesting idea. I’ll give it some thought and prayer.

Me: How about this for your time? (As I shove a little side money into his outstretched palm.)

Bribe: $50

God Bribery

Location: Nighttime prayers

God: My child, you have my attention. What do you need?

Me: Think you can let up on the rain in California? Now that the drought is over…again…can you help mankind find a way to capture the water for the dry years?

God: I will advise the elders. But the scientists ignore me.

Me: What if I offered a donation to the orphans?

God: That’s a start.

Bribe: $1,000,000

More Husband Bribery

Location: In bed, 3AM

Me: How can he still be snoring?! Honey, wake up!

Him: Wha…what? Why do you keep nudging me? Trying to sleep here.

Me: You’re snoring. I have a big surprise to give you.

Him: Big smile.

Bribe: Slice of pizza

Anyone you’ve wanted to bribe? Please share here.

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  1. About the only one I get away with bribing are my dogs. And, they’re cheap. Funny post

    • staceygustafson says

      I can sweet talk my way into a free dessert at my favorite restaurant. Everywhere else I have to pay a little extra.

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