Image courtesy of marin / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Today a strange woman fondled my breast. She trapped me in an awkward position, manhandled my boobs, and called me cruel names. And for a while I tolerated her poor treatment.
Breast Exam
I was getting a breast exam.
If you’re like me, you postpone getting an annual mammogram for as long as possible. It hurts. But that little voice in your head keeps nagging, “Get it over with. It won’t be so bad this time.”
At Mercy Healthcare, an assistant carrying a clipboard led me into the changing area and instructed me to strip to the waist, put on a flimsy gown and wait for the technician.
Moments later, a stocky lady with mousey brown hair yelled, “Next.”
That’s me.
Torture Chamber
I followed her to the exam area and made a rookie mistake. “Welcome to the torture chamber,” I said. The female technician did not find it funny.
“Oh, you’re one of those? Are you going to complain the whole time? Would you rather get cancer?”
Gee, that’s a giant leap. Lighten up, woman.
“You must have a low tolerance for pain,” she said with a snap of her head.
That’s it, woman. One more word and I’m gonna let it rip.
But I decided to wait until AFTER my mammogram. Didn’t want the machine to “accidentally” break in the middle and leave me trapped in its pneumatic grip.
She pressed me against the mammogram machine then shoved my head to the right. “Now push your butt out. Bend your right knee. Suck in your stomach. Hold your breath.”
Is that all? Want me to sing the Star Spangled Banner? Recite the alphabet backwards?
Then she proceeded to handle my breasts like a butcher on a side of beef. She squeezed, prodded and groped me into submission.
What? No small talk first?
“Now don’t move,” she said as she walked to the control panel.
Where would I go? If I fall, things are going to look a lot different here.
The machine flattened my breast like a Swedish pancake. Then, I adjusted my weight to my other leg.
“This will be faster if you cooperate,” she hissed in my ear.
When it ended, she tossed me my gown and with a smirk said, “See how easy that was? Aren’t you embarrassed you complained?”
I warned you.
“Lady, for your information, I have an unusually high tolerance for pain. I delivered two babies, 10 pounds each, same as a pygmy hippopotamus. One without pain medication.” Take that. “And I’ve had shoulder surgery, a gallbladder attack and get my eyebrows waxed every two months.”
Now who’s the baby?
I grabbed my things and scooted out. And yes, I say it still hurts. Enough to skip a mammogram? Of course not.
Don’t bother with the hate mail.
Check out this hilarious instruction list, “Preparing For Your Mammogram.”
http://www.jokes.com/funny-dirty-jokes/64b2f4/preparing-for-your-mammogram
Do you have a funny mammogram story to share? Leave it here!
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Stacey, my favorite sentence??? Where would I go! Lol
One does feel at the mercy of the mammo teach, huh? I’ve not experienced a tech like the one you did fortunately, but it seems like a good move that you ‘held your tongue’ as my Nana used to say until Nurse Ratchett was finished!!!!
Gosh, those technicians have such an attitude. “Sorry you work somewhere that inflicts pain.” It hurts!
Great story. So funny.
Now I need to write a follow-up, “To the Woman Who No Longer Works at the Hospital.”
My mammogram is tomorrow. This happy reminder has me filled with anticipation 🙂
Take an Advil. I really had to get this one off my chest!
People in jobs like that need to have some compassion! You’d think by now they’d come up with a less bizarre way to do mammograms. The squishing your boobs like pancakes thing does not seem very high tech!
I’ve had a 3D mamo too. No pain there. Maybe I’m just a big baby.
Ugh, it is never fun, but having a sourpuss for a technician makes it even less fun!
If you don’t like dealing with people, work at home. Hope I get someone else next time.
Wouldn’t you think that a woman would be more understanding and sympathetic? But nooooo. I’m also waiting for a much better way to do this exam that doesn’t require the smashing of the sisters to the point of no return. Ouch!
Take a Tylenol beforehand is probably the best advice. No new changes to this contraption is in the works.
That technician needs a severe talking to….while her boobs are smashed between the glass. Sheesh!
Sounds fair to me. As long as I get to be the technician for the day!! Ha!
Can’t say that i have had any experience but the technician sounds like other technicians who treat us like we have no feelings.