Need a good laugh? Here’s my Twitter recap of 25 funny famous comedian quotes plus a few of my own. Feel free to retweet.

For the Guys

Never comment on a woman’s rear end. Never use the words ‘large’ or ‘size’ with ‘rear end.’ Never. Avoid area altogether. Trust me. – Tim Allen

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car. – Bob Monkhouse

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base. — Dave Barry

Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner. — Jerry Seinfeld

Women don’t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think – in a deeper voice. — Bill Cosby

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments. — Chris Rock

If it weren’t for the coffee, I’d have no identifiable personality whatsoever. – David Letterman

If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears. — Sigmund Freud

The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.– H.V. Prochnow

Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts — Jeff Foxworthy

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. – Steven Wright

In school, in case of fire you line up single file, smallest to tallest. What’s the logic? Do tall people burn slower? – Warren Hutcherson

For the Gals

Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There’s no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, “Look, it’s always gonna be me!” – Rita Rudner

A job application made me do a double take. After the entry “Sex,” the applicant had written, “Once in Florida.” — Susan Webb

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry. – Rita Rudner

Having a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face. You really need to be certain it’s what you want before you commit. — Elizabeth Gilbert

Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up. — Ray Romano

Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography. – Paul Rodriquez

I don’t have a bank account, because I don’t know my mother’s maiden name. – Paula Poundstone

I run six-to-eight miles a day, plus weights and aerobics in the lunch hour. I also lie a lot, which keeps me thin. — Hugh Laurie

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead. – Erma Bombeck

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous; everyone hasn’t met me yet. – Rodney Dangerfield

We’ve had cloning in the South for years. It’s called cousins. — Robin Williams

Raising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours, but at least the pay sucks. – Jim Gaffigan

That’s why I admired that kid who spelled it wrong on purpose so he could sit down. He knew he wasn’t going to win, so why stand there for 3 hours. –- Brian Regan

Quotes by Stacey Gustafson

Any crime committed when doing laundry should be declared legal. – Stacey Gustafson

The only thing my husband can find in our house is the remote control. – Stacey Gustafson

A woman just asked me if I was pregnant. I’m on my way to get prenatal vitamins, join a gym and burn down her house. – Stacey Gustafson

Hey Michelle Duggar. You say you’re trying for baby #20? Time to retire the uterus. – Stacey Gustafson

Do you have a funny quote? Share it here!

Official Book Release

Are You Kidding Me? My Life with an Extremely Loud Family, Bathroom Calamities, and Crazy Relatives is available on Amazon and ebooks. It’s filled with stories you’ve never read on my blog, like the time I called SWAT on my neighbor or faked a heart attack in church. Hoping to make you laugh one story at a time. Get your copy now!!
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