6 Signs You’re Middle-Aged

IMG_0455Middle-age creeps up on you as fast as diarrhea spreads on a cruise ship. I wanted to deny the signs but you can’t ignore the math. If you multiply your age by two and the answer’s greater than 90, you’re middle-aged.  Here are the 6 signs you’re middle-aged:

Do Not Recognize Celebrities

I can only recognize 20% of the celebrities in People Magazine, television, and the Internet.  Instead, the stars of my youth are on the cover of AARP Magazine like David Cassidy, Harrison Ford, Dennis Quaid and Valerie Bertinelli.  Yeash, they look bad!David Cassidy

Lose Glasses

Looking for my reading glasses is an hourly occurrence.  It’s a perpetual game of hide and seek that I keep winning because one pair is always around my neck and another on my forehead.

More Than One Chin

Lady with chin wrapAt 48, I have more chins than arms.  And I refer to “chin” in the plural.  I’ve resorted to wearing mock turtlenecks in the summer in order to have a place to tuck the extra skin.  When posing for pictures, I tilt my head upward, like I’m thinking, to elongate my neck and stretch out the folds.

Spy on Neighbors

Remember when your grandparents would peek through the miniblinds and complain about their neighbors?  That’s me.  Yesterday I banged on window when the guy across the street stole the neighbor’s newspaper.  And when the people behind us started a pool party at 11p.m., I crouched down under the windowsill and shouted, “Go to bed.”

When I Was a Kid…

I’ve start every sentence with the saying, “When I was a kid…”Stacey Gustafson with high school friends19377_1270218809468_1613492_n

  • “…I never talked back to my parents or I would get the belt”
  • “…there were only three channels on television.  Your parents never worried about you seeing nudity, sex scenes or hearing four letter words.”
  • “…there was no such thing as a drug problem.  You were looked down on if you smoked cigarettes or got drunk.”
  • “…public schools had a dress code.  No ripped jeans allowed.  Girls were embarrassed if their bra strap showed and skirts had to be knee length.  If you broke these rules, you were sent home.”

Moan When Moving

If you’re like me, by the time you’re middle-aged, you moan when you move.  I grunt when I go from sitting to standing.  I groan when I get out of the car, bend down to pick up something off the ground, get out of a chair, tie my shoes or shave my legs.  My noises are louder than my kid’s complaints on trash day.

Based on my midlife changes, I’m just hanging on and hoping for the best by 50.  If that means soft foods with a shot of Metamucil each day, I say bring it!

Click below for quotes from famous people regarding middle-aged.

http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/middle-age

Do you have any funny stories to share about being middle-aged? 

About staceygustafson

Comments

  1. jeania murphy says

    What fun you are!
    j

    • staceygustafson says

      You gave me a funny idea. My next story, “My Bra Has Seen Better Days.” Thanks for sharing my stories.

  2. Lani Longshore says

    It isn’t just the moaning and groaning that gets to me when I get from the floor, it’s the need to balance myself like an Olympic weightlifter before I can hoist myself to standing!

  3. Great article, Stacey! Thanks for always making me laugh. You are so talented.

  4. James Schnitter says

    I groan most when i get up from a chair. That’s why we’re called “groanups”.

  5. That’s why i 2 dozens of reading glasses scattered all over the house and even then i ended up not having one when i need them..hahahaha

    • I thought I was the only who did that. When I can’t find mine, I take my husband’s. He has a couple pair in different rooms too. One can never have too many glasses.

    • staceygustafson says

      Did you know that you gave me my first pair? Sadly, my eyes have gotten worse and I’ve moved up a few notches.

  6. Ever notice how the definition of middle-aged gets stretched depending on the age of the person doing the calculating? Heck, I’m middle-aged, I just have to live to be more than 125!

  7. I love the picture you added, Stacey.

    Julie, I’m all for 125.

Speak Your Mind

*

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.