Artificial Christmas Tree Attacks Couple

This article was contributed by guest blogger, Camille DeFer Thompson.

Revenge of the Faux Fir

It took us years to reach this decision.  Our garage already overfloweth with boxes of ornaments, Costco trash bags stuffed with fake garland, its needles protruding through the plastic like some galactic being, struggling to break free, and tangles of multi-colored exterior lights dangling from nails above the workbench.  Where, we wondered, would we store an artificial Christmas tree?

But last year, we finally tired of shivering through the Home Depot tree lot to pick out just the right Noble or Douglas, with no more than one bad side that could be camouflaged against the wall, to adorn our home for the holiday season. So this year my husband and I went faux. We would simply find room, we reasoned, even if it meant our out-of-town relatives would have to share our guest accommodations with a needling roommate.

We traded the cold and drizzle of the Home Depot lot for the comfort of the Sears store at Stoneridge Mall, where we selected a lovely faux fir among those on display.

To our shock and delight, the 7-½ foot tree came in a neat cardboard carton not much bigger than a Barbie Dream House.

“See, honey,” I said, as he wrestled the box into the trunk. “Finding a place to store that little gem will be no problem at all.” I sighed with relief.  “No problem at all.”

Sure enough, we cleared out a long-neglected corner in the garage, rearranged the patio furniture cushions, tossed out boxes of old tax returns, and nestled that Barbie Dream tree in until after Thanksgiving.

It went up in a snap, and all through the holiday season, we admired our pre-lit wonder. We graciously accepted the compliments from our kind, if gullible, visitors, all fooled by our simulated spruce. Weeks later, with the festivities behind us, we dragged out the crate in preparation to tuck our tinseled treasure away until next year.

With all the ornaments removed, we disassembled the tree into its three sections, careful not to disturb the delicate light bulbs hidden among the branches.  It took no time for us to reach the conclusion that this needling nemesis had no intention of hibernating in that crate for the next eleven months.

“I think we need to bend the branches up, then gently push them against the trunk,” I said, watching my husband attempt to cram section A into one end of the box.

“Sweetie,” I continued, “careful of the little bulbs. Let’s try wrapping some twine around the lower branches, then put this bubble wrap around it.”

His man-translator must have heard, “Just keep cramming it in the $#%$ box!”

We tried sweet-talking it. “You’ll like it in the garage. It’s only for a little while, we promise.”  Then we tried bribery. “We’ll kennel Fluffy for the whole month of December. Just get in the box!”

Exhausted, our hands raw from fighting the flailing fronds, we strong-armed Sections A and B into the bulging fortress!  We gave up on squeezing in the little pointy top section, and encased it in a couple of Costco trash bags, thus relegating it to the same fate as the galactic garland from years gone by.

Stacey Gustafson, writerAt last our faux fir was safe and sound until next Christmas.

We’re just praying it doesn’t exact its revenge next year by withholding illumination, thus thrusting our holiday hearth into darkness for all eternity.

Camille DeFer Thompson has been writing fiction and non-fiction for over fifteen years. In the mid-2000s, she contributed feature stories for the Danville Times, a local news magazine distributed by the Contra Costa Times, and for SanRamonPatch.com, an online news and information website. Camille’s work appears in a number of collected works, including most recently, Descent of Dreams, Las Positas College Anthology, 2012. 

 

 

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Comments

  1. As someone who has owned a faux tree for many years, I had to laugh the minute you mentioned the carton not much bigger than a Barbie Dream House.

  2. Great columns – both of them!
    Would hate to have to move!
    Especially if I had to take along a faux fir with me….
    You two should write together!
    -Penny

    • staceygustafson says

      Thanks for checking out my blog. I value your opinion and support. Interested in being the next guest blogger?

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