Christmas Tree Taunts Us

Man stuck underneath fallen Christmas treeOur artificial, odorless, eight-foot tall Christmas tree taunts us year after year.  After a decade, assembling the three sections of the Rocky Mountain Pine is still as complicated as solving a Rubik’s Cube.  I fantasize dragging it to the nearest dump and lighting it on fire.

Man Vs. Christmas Tree

“Time to put up the tree,” says my husband, grabbing the kids by the arm.  “You want to help too?” he says, looking at me with squinty eyes.

“Nah, I’ll just watch,” I say.

I avert my eyes as my husband struggles with our tree like a wrestler performing an over the shoulder arm drag.   Plunk.  It hits the ground, green needles fall like dandruff.

This year more of the hinged branches snap and dangle downward.  As sharp as a toilet bowl brush, the razor like needles draw blood on the family member willing to fluff and shape the tree.  We plug it in, stand back and hold our breath, waiting to see if its pre-lit branches will shine this year.  With a fizz and a pop, the top half burns out.  Alas, the tree wins, mocking me with loose needles and faulty lighting.  Again.

Burn baby burn.



About staceygustafson


  1. Never fails every year, I struggle with putting the tree into an upside down stand. Ariana comes to the rescue.

  2. Camille Thompson says

    Another funny! You have a real talent for creating images with your descriptions. Granted, not always desirable images, but vivid nonetheless! 😉

  3. For years we had a ten foot tree that was a nightmare of color coded branch wires. It took a day to finish erecting it. We gave it to our son. I smile knowing the tradition continues. As for me, I decided not to put up trees any more, but one year with an empty space where the tree should have stood was enough to send me to Macy’s for a new, pre-lit simpler version. Only 7 feet tall, it still takes a mechanical engineering degree to put it up.

  4. I am with you on burn it down!

    • staceygustafson says

      At the end of last year, we finally threw the tree away. We have not put up the new tree yet. Maybe it will be another story.

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