Crap My Mother Sends

If you’re like me, when it comes to emptying boxes after a move, I’m a regular whirlwind.  To unpack crap means stuff everything into closets and drawers as swift as Apple develops a new iPhone.  But this time around, I regarded the boxes and thought to myself, “Why do I keep moving this junk around? What the hell is in these boxes anyway?”

I tackled the kitchen boxes first.  As I unwrapped, it became clear that I have too much useless crap and made a pile called, “To Be Identified Later.” That evening, I reexamined the heap and realized that all the items had one thing in common, gifts from my mother over the last 22 years, since my wedding day.

Congratulations!  You’ve just won a new bagel slicer.

I scrutinized a piece on top of the mound.  A six inch silver metal utensil resembled giant tweezers.  One end, pointy, and the other end looked like a flat shovel.  “Do you have any idea what this is?”  I asked my husband.

“A salad bowl fork?” he said, glancing back at the newspaper.

Really?  Maybe a back scratcher?  Shoehorn?  That doesn’t even make sense.

“Then why is one end so sharp?” I asked.

“No idea.  Ask your mom.  She sent it.”

In desperation I posted it on Facebook.  Within fifteen minutes, I had twenty-seven friends willing to help me.  Their ideas ranged from pizza cutter to olive splitter.

My friend suggested I contact Cook’s Illustrated Magazine to unlock the secret.  The subject line of my email read, “Help!  What the heck is this utensil?”  Andrea Geary, Associate Editor, responded in less than an hour. “That’s actually a vintage cookie scoop.  You scoop your cookie dough onto the little platform, and then squeeze the handle to deposit the lump of dough onto the cookie sheet.  Clever, right?”

I definitely need this.

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