Funny Parenting Sayings Spotted on Magnets and Mugs

Funny Parenting Sayings Stacey Gustafson

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Need a boost of laughter? Check out these funny parenting sayings spotted on magnets and mugs. Even when kids crack your face, break your stuff and question your sanity, it’s nice to know you’re not alone. Don’t forget to check out my favorite family sitcoms, The Middle and The Goldbergs.

  • Parenting is mostly just being screamed at by a tiny idiot.
  • The first rule of parenting: Never negotiate with terrorists.
  • I child proofed by house but they still get in.
  • If drinking on the front porch counts, then yes, call me outdoorsy.
  • Who are these kids and why are they calling me mom?
  • Nothing makes me more productive than the last minute.
  • My swimsuit told me to go to the gym today but my sweatpants were like, “Nah, you’re good.”

Funny Parenting Sayings

  • We decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
  • Having one child makes you a parent. Having two kids makes you a referee. Three or more? You’re basically a bouncer.
  • Silence is golden unless you have children. Then silence is very, very suspicious.
  • Please pass me that parenting handbook. I need to smack a kid with it.
  • I have a feeling tonight will end in rehab.
  • Don’t yell at your kids. Lean in real close and whisper, it’s much scarier.
  • I am a wooden spoon survivor.
  • You don’t scare me. I’m a mom. I smelled it, heard it, changed it, seen it, and cleaned it.
  • To relieve stress I do yoga. Just kidding. I drink wine in my yoga pants.
  • Support BINGO. Keep mom off the streets.

Funny Parenting Sayings

  • You don’t have to be crazy to work here. We’ll train you.
  • Cancel my subscription. I don’t need your issues.
  • If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
  • Housework probably won’t kill you…but why risk it?
  • Sometimes I open my mouth and my mother comes out.
  • I’d rather be 40 than pregnant.
  • What if I really do know it all?
  • My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child, which is ridiculous because I don’t like any of them.
  • Many people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal, healthy lives.

How to be an Emcee when you're stupid like me Stacey GustafsonLooking for a good read?
Are You Kidding Me?: My Life with an Extremely Loud Family, Bathroom Calamities, and Crazy Relatives is available on Amazon and eBooks. It’s filled with stories about crazy families, holiday chaos, school disasters and more. Hoping to make you laugh one story at a time. Get your copy now!! Click to purchase on Amazon.






About staceygustafson


  1. OMG! So relatable! I hear my mom in my voice and words for sure! And silence is very scary when you have a kid. Love your sense of humor! Thanks for the laughs!

    • staceygustafson says

      Wish I could take credit for all the sayings. Some are real gems. Moms got to keep laughing. What’s the alternative?!

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