Listen up Hillary Clinton. And you too Donald Trump. Let me be perfectly clear. I’m not ashamed to admit, I will pimp out my vote at the presidential election. I realize that federal spending is out of control, jobs and economy are a major concern, national security, immigration and health care are big issues but what about the little things? To get my vote at the presidential election, you need to do something for me, Mr. or Mrs. Future President. Read on.
Free Back Waxing
Offer free waxing for men with excessive back hair. The government should pick up the tab. A law would prohibit men from exposing “back, shoulders, chest, ear or other body parts with an inordinate amount of hair.” Offenders could be fined as much as $500 or up to a six-month sentence.
Tax Break for Carpoolers
Drive my kids to high school in the morning; the line of cars circling the campus is ridiculous. Issue automatic tax breaks to carpoolers. Cars back up for miles before the drop off point. Parents panic and throw their kids out the door and into the street before the bell rings. Violators should get fifty hours of community service for illegal right turns, double parking and texting while driving.
Mandatory Ladies Restrooms
Pass a mandatory ruling that all baseball stadiums, football coliseums, and basketball arenas install at least 1,998 ladies restrooms. It doesn’t make sense that woman wait one hundred times longer to use the john than the guys. Until these changes are made, install televisions in the bathrooms. We’re missing the game.
Ban the Kardashians from the airwaves. Americans have had enough of their foolish whining, fighting and childish behavior. Let’s stop rewarding stupidity. If you want my vote, mandate a blackout when they are on television. You have the power to do this, exercise it.
Dropouts Watch Honey Boo Boo
Demand high school dropouts watch all eight episodes of Honey Boo Boo. In case you missed it, this reality show features a family of rednecks from rural Georgia and their six-year-old daughter, a pudgy pageant queen. This slice of reality TV will ensure that juvenile delinquents understand the importance of education. This may be their future.
Fine Loud People
Fine people who talk too loudly on their cell phone at restaurants, grocery stores, and church. Write tickets for disorderly conduct and noise pollution. The listening public needs to be heard.
Issue Warning to Table Hoggers
Issue a warning to the ingrates hogging a table for four at Starbucks for six hours. They are violating our space with their files, laptop case and empty coffee cups. Don’t they have anywhere else to go? The rest of us are standing around balancing our coffee in one hand and breakfast sandwich in the other. Place time limits on table usage or issue a ticket for loitering.
Listen up, Hillary and The Donald. If you make any of the above changes, you get my vote at the presidential election. That’s it. Now get cracking.