My Life’s Been Outsourced – Things I Can’t Do After 50

My Life's Been Outsourced - Things I Can't Do After 50 Stacey GustafsonOver time, I realized things were changing, like my waistline and sleep cycle. In college, I could devour all the junk food I craved and then hangout with friends at a party until 4:00 am. No longer. Barely able to keep my eyes opened past ten, I take a Tums and call it a night. I contemplated my situation and realized that my life’s been outsourced. There’s a lot of things I can’t do after 50. Here’s my list in no particular order.

See – Outsourced

Somewhere between the ages 40 – 45, I lost the ability to see. Oh sure, I can see things in the distance, like a traffic light or a mother pushing her baby with a stroller, but it’s the close up work I struggled reading. The optometrist tricked me with a tiny card and teeny writing and asked me to read the first line. Who was he kidding? No one could read that! Now, I use reading glasses when I can find them unless I am sitting directly under a light bulb during high noon. And when I look in mirror can barely see my own reflection. Try putting on mascara, tweezing eyebrows, or applying lipstick under these circumstances. I look like Tammy Fay on a good day!

Drink water – Outsourced

I can no longer drink water due to the guilt trip. Experts tell us bottled water is bad for the environment since the plastic bottles ruin the landfill. And I realized that I am not athletic enough to drink energy drinks like Sobe Life Water, Vitaminwater and Gatorade. In addition, after getting my water softener inspected, the guy informed me that I shouldn’t drink my tap water either because too much chlorine posed a serious health risk. Therefore, I’m going back to diet soda, less risky.

Go swimming – Outsourced

Spending a day at our neighborhood swimming pool reinforced the fact that I am simply too old and out of shape for the public. Looking around I realized that in order to enjoy the pool I needed breast implants, liposuction, lip enhancement, Botox, a Coppertone tan, a skimpy bikini, and beaded sandals. I’ve been weeded out by un-natural selection at the pool.

Read a Book – Outsourced

Where have all the books gone? With books stores disappearing as fast as the ozone, I feel like I’m traveling on the Underground Railroad searching for an actual paperback or hardback book. Can you mark up the pages with a pencil and highlighter on Kindle to share with a loved one? Can you loan a novel on the Nook to a friend to discuss together? Would you display a famous copy of a book on the Sony Reader in a museum for your children to enjoy and marvel over in the future? I think not!

Help with Homework – Outsourced

What with challenging word problems, geometry and fractals, even an AP Honors math calculator, McGraw Hill text book and a B.A. in math and statistics was not enough to help my high schooler with math homework. When all else failed, I suggested, “Go find your father.” Even if he can’t help, it buys me some time to hide.

Eat Dinner Out – Outsourced

New health laws require all chain restaurants to post the calorie count.   Is it really necessary to constantly remind me that I eat a day’s worth of calories in one meal at a place like the Cheesecake Factory where the Bistro Shrimp Pasta weighs in at 2,285 calories and a slice of cheesecake tops the charts at a whooping 1,326 calories? I’ve lost my appetite.   And don’t think you can glide by drinking your meal. The Starbuck’s Venti (20oz) White Chocolate Mocha is more than a cup of coffee; it’s caffeine on steroids with 580 calories and 15 grams of fat. Really, I don’t need this hassle!

Remember – Outsourced

A mind is a horrible thing to waste but mine is going faster than a box of Girl Scout thin mint cookies. A typical conversation at home goes something like this, “Hey Mom, let’s go.” “Go where?” “I have to be at practice in five minutes. I told you it this morning.” In addition to not being able to remember this conversation, I have no idea what sport he is playing. See what I mean?

Everything Outsourced

Like a lazy teenager, instead of fighting it, I decided to jump on the outsourcing bandwagon. If everything I used to do was being outsourced, I might as well go Full Monty and outsource smoothie making, eyebrow plucking, dog petting, and car driving for starters. Doing it yourself is overrated. If my mind and body is going, might as well take my wallet with it.

Class Clown and Parent-Teacher Conference Stacey GustafsonLooking for a good read?
Are You Kidding Me?: My Life with an Extremely Loud Family, Bathroom Calamities, and Crazy Relatives is available on Amazon and eBooks. It’s filled with stories about crazy families, holiday chaos, school disasters and more. Hoping to make you laugh one story at a time. Get your copy now!! Click to purchase on Amazon.

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  1. Amy Moellering says

    I love that line, “I’ve been weeded out by un-natural selection” at the pool. Brilliant!

  2. Camille Thompson says

    Clever piece! And hilarious, as always! I can relate to the swimming segment. Un-natural selection! Priceless!

  3. I won’t even swim at the pool in my backyard.

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