“You Know I Love You Because…” Guest Blogger Lori Duff

I’m elated to feature another one of my favorite authors, Guest Blogger Lori Duff. She does it all with aplomb, National Award-Winning Columnist, Ghostwriter, Legal Writing Expert, Blogger, You Know I Love You Because Guest Post Lori Duff Stacey GustafsonHumorist, and generally Fun-to-Be-Around gal plus an Amazon #1 Bestselling Author of  Mismatched Shoes and Upside Down Pizza,  The Armadillo, the Pickaxe, and the Laundry Basket, and You Know I Love You Because You’re Still Alive.

Lori never rests and that makes her my idol. We met and from the get-go, I knew I wanted to be her friend and share her story.

You Know I Love You Because Guest Post Lori Duff Stacey Gustafson

You Know I Love You Because You’re Still Alive

This is award-winning humorist Lori B. Duff’s third collection of highly relatable, side-splitting pieces about modern life, family, and getting through the day.

Take a sneak peek at Lori Duff’s writing!

For the Love of Worry By Guest Blogger Lori Duff

My Dad is in the hospital. This, naturally, is cause for alarm, and I worry. They live 600 miles away from me, so it isn’t so easy for me to just go and check as often as I’d like. The older my parents get, the more I worry about each thing that occurs. Every day that passes makes it statistically more likely that this phone call might be the one I dread.

This one wasn’t. I wasn’t sure, at first, because my parents are terrible when it comes to giving information. They despise talking about awful things so much that they simply don’t, the end result of which is that I often don’t know about major surgeries until after they have occurred or family deaths until long after a sympathy card, bouquet of flowers, or my presence at the funeral would have been appropriate. “What? I didn’t tell you? I thought I did.”

Mmmmmmhmmmm.

I knew everything was going to be ok 

Anyway, this go round, I knew everything was going to be ok when my mother’s tone of voice went from worried and panicky to her usual – irritated at everything my father does. “He wakes me up at four in the morning,” she says, pausing to take a drag on a cigarette, because of course she still smokes, post stroke and aortic stents. “He says, ‘I think I’m having a heart attack.’ So what would you do?”

At first I think it is a rhetorical question so I don’t answer, but her pause is long enough that I say, “I’d call 9-1-1.”

“Of course,” she says. “You’d call 9-1-1. So I pick up the phone and he tries to grab it from me. He tells me not to call 9-1-1, that I should just drive him. I’m not driving him. I’m calling 9-1-1. He’s such an idiot! I mean, the development paid for that whole fire station with the ambulances to be built right outside the entrance with our homeowners’ dues, and I’m calling 9-1-1.

Load him up in the ambulance

“So the ambulance gets there, and they do their thing, and they load him up in the ambulance, and he tells me to get in the ambulance with him. I say, no, I’m not getting in the ambulance. They’re not letting me smoke in the back of an ambulance, and then how am I getting home from the hospital? He says take a taxi, and I say I’m not taking a taxi when I have a car.

So I get in the car, and I start to follow the ambulance, but they don’t have the lights and sirens on, so I end up passing them. Then I miss the turn to the hospital, and I have to turn all the way back around, and I can’t find my way in to the emergency room.

“Hold on,” she says. “I think I just ran over something.”

“Mom! Are you driving while you are talking to me?”

“Just in the development. I just pulled in the garage.” She coughs, the wet, hacking cough of a lifetime smoker. “So we get in the emergency room, and they decide it isn’t a heart attack, it’s an afib, and they give him some medicine and he’s ok, but they don’t have a room for him. So every time I want to have a cigarette I have to check in and out of the ER which is such a pain in the tuchus.”

“I’m parked in the handicapped spot, which I think is so convenient because I don’t have to walk so far, but it is right next to where the security guard is parked. You can’t smoke anywhere on the hospital grounds, so he keeps yelling at me, and I keep telling me I’m in my own car with all the windows rolled up so what does he care? But he yells at me anyway.”

“You have the option of not smoking,” I say. She ignores me.

I’m taking two sleeping pills – don’t worry

“So, I’m home now, and I’m going to bed. I’m taking two sleeping pills – don’t worry, the doctor said I could. But don’t call because I won’t get up until the afternoon. That’s what happens when I take two pills. Call your father in the morning. He’ll be bored and I won’t be there.”

That’s how I know he will be ok.

I called my father in the morning. He sounded like himself, not particularly tired or sickly or weak. I said, “You have to quit doing this kind of thing to us, you know.” He said, “Eh. What do you want from me?” and then the conversation moved to the how-are-the-kids-how-is-work variety. That’s what passes for a heart to heart in my family. We express love as a form of worry. We don’t worry about things or people we don’t care about. We don’t get irked by things that don’t matter.

And my parents matter very much.

You Know I Love You Because Guest Post Lori Duff Stacey GustafsonABOUT LORI DUFF

Lori B. Duff is a national award-winning columnist, bestselling author, and an unrepentant proponent of the Oxford comma and the two-spaces-after-a-period rule.

Lori Duff’s Contacts

BLOG: www.loriduffwrites.com/blog

FACEBOOK: facebook/loribduffauthor

TWITTER: twitter/loribduff

INSTAGRAM: Instagram/loriduffwrites

GOOGLE +: google+/+loriduffwrites

Are You Still Kidding Me?

Are You Still Kidding Me? Available Pre-Order Stacey Gustafson
Want more? Are You Still Kidding Me? is available now on Amazon in ebook and paperback.

What are reviewers saying?

“I love this book! Gustafson hilariously captures family relationships in a way that we can all relate! And her attention to detail really puts you in the story. Her “Bingo Ain’t For Sissies” had me giggling next to her at the table, eyeing all her mom’s lucky charms set out around her bingo card. With the holidays coming, be sure to pick up copies for your sisters, cousins, moms, grandmas and girlfriends. Gustafson doesn’t disappoint!”

 

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