My local nail salon is like a Turkish bazaar; people speak different languages, laughter, and loud voices surrounded by blaring music and bright lights. Nail polish bottles, Post-it notes, glossy posters, and banners with price lists of various nail services cover all available wall space. It’s a great place for an early morning wake-up call and a gel manicure. Within moments of entering the salon, a man wearing a white mask rushed up and pushed me into the nearest vinyl chair. A tiny lady with a pink apron approached and said, “Do you want a mani-pedi?” “Ummm…I want a gel manicure,” I said picking at a fingernail. “Go pick a color,” she said and thrusted me towards an endless … [Read more...]
6 Signs You’re Middle-Aged
April 18, 2013 By 15 Comments
Middle-age creeps up on you as fast as diarrhea spreads on a cruise ship. I wanted to deny the signs but you can’t ignore the math. If you multiply your age by two and the answer’s greater than 90, you’re middle-aged. Here are the 6 signs you're middle-aged: Do Not Recognize Celebrities I can only recognize 20% of the celebrities in People Magazine, television, and the Internet. Instead, the stars of my youth are on the cover of AARP Magazine like David Cassidy, Harrison Ford, Dennis Quaid and Valerie Bertinelli. Yeash, they look bad! Lose Glasses Looking for my reading glasses is an hourly occurrence. It’s a perpetual game of hide and seek that I keep winning because one pair is … [Read more...]
Funny Fortune Cookies You Must Read
April 11, 2013 By 8 Comments
Really? Do you enjoy that dry, tasteless fortune cookie after Chinese take-out or do you just want to read the free fortune and lucky numbers? This week I had a chance to create two bags of custom fortune cookies. I couldn’t pass up this opportunity to collect some of the funniest and share them with you. Funny Fortune Cookies You seek to find meaning from a little slip of paper inside a cookie. You are gullible. The fortune you seek is in another cookie. Help! I am being held prisoner in a Chinese bakery. Confucius say: The road to riches is paved with homework. That wasn’t chicken. Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the … [Read more...]
April Fool’s Prank Amateurs Need Not Apply
April 4, 2013 By 9 Comments
One thing I know for certain, the key to a successful April Fool's prank involves knowing your victims’ routine. Amateurs need not apply. Our friend, Scott, told my husband and me that his wife hit a deer on a country back road driving home from the work. We quizzed him for all the details in order to set the trap. Then we asked him to make sure Casey answered the phone the next day. “Mrs. S, this is Officer Smedley with the Fulton County Police,” said my husband over the telephone in his best impersonation of a southern accent. “I understand you hit a deer yesterday on U.S. Route 19 around 7:00 p.m.” “Um, yes,” said Casey, clearing her throat. She sounds as nervous as a pig … [Read more...]
Wasting Time? A Writer’s Diary Exposed
March 27, 2013 By 10 Comments
Why am I wasting so much time? I started a writer's diary in my quest for answers. Today 6:30 Repeat five times, “Today is the day I am going to work on my NOVEL.” 6:40 Brush teeth. Check email. Oh boy, 40 new messages. Delete 39. 6:50 Wake up son for school, start breakfast, tidy up kitchen, run a load of laundry, drive son to school. 8:00 Check Internet. Must know more about sinkhole in Florida that opened up and swallowed a man. 8:10 Phone rings. Mother shares weird neighbor story. Is it really possible to set house on fire by turning on hair dryer and washing machine at the same time? Doubtful. 8:30 Draft new blog, “101 Ways to Avoid Writing a … [Read more...]
Trapped in Girl’s Bathroom Without Cell Phone
March 20, 2013 By 8 Comments
Trapped in Girl's Bathroom Without Cell Phone The thought of using a public toilet raises my anxiety to threat level orange. My fear started at Girl Scout camp in 6th grade. Locked in a ripe latrine during a Midwest heat wave gave me a case of toilet phobia. And yet with only five minutes left of my daughter’s basketball game, Foothill High Schoolversus Amador Valley High School, I could not fight the urge to use the toilet any longer. With shortness of breath, I banged open the women’s restroom door, rushed for the closest stall. Thankfully it was a tiny bathroom, three spots, all empty. Mindful to touch as little as possible, I did my business and exited faster than Apolo … [Read more...]
Guns, Drugs and Dinero, Writer Calls For Help
March 15, 2013 By 9 Comments
Next time a writer calls for help, I’ll be ready with a set answer, “Can I check my schedule and get back with you?” Especially if the request involves guns, drugs and dinero. How It All Started Let me start at the beginning. A few weeks ago, my friend, Julie, had cornea and lens replacement right before she was set to release her novel, PILZ. After weeks of working on a cover design with a prior designer, deadlines and obligations got in the way and forced her to search for someone new. That someone was me. I received her email at midnight in Times Roman size 20 font. Dear God, the surgery made her blind. But, I think she used this as a way to trick me into helping. I was just an … [Read more...]
Stacey Gustafson Published NYMB…On Travel!
March 5, 2013 By Leave a Comment
I am thrilled to announce that my story, “War in the Skies,” will be published March 26, 2013 in the anthology series, Not Your Mother’s Book…On Travel. This is my second story in the Not Your Mother’s Book series. Not Your Mother's Book...On Travel is an anthology filled with true, first-person travel adventure stories. From the jungles of Central America to the highlands of Africa, from the charms of Europe to the mysteries of North America, from the sacred sites of Asia to the high seas of the Caribbean, these stories will delight and entertain you. Whether you are an armchair traveler or an on-the-road-again adventurer, we invite you to vicariously journey around the world with us. … [Read more...]
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