God Damned Disrespectful Teens Make Me Angry

Guest Blogger, Don Mills, contributed this article. Read more about Don below. Disrespectful Teens The problem with young people today is that they have no respect for their elders. Back when I was a sprog we were expected to be polite, respectful and afraid of old people. We said “please” and “thank you” and would never have dared to call an adult by their Christian name. But these uppity youngsters today have no respect. They give you sass, lip, guff, guff lip, lip sass, sass lip and generally behave in a way that makes it unsafe for us older folks to venture outside of our homes for fear of teenage mockery, robbery, stupidity or worse. Call Adults By First Name But what really … [Read more...]

What Women Really Want For Mother’s Day

It's Mother's Day Is it a complete mystery what women really want for Mother's Day?  My day was always big bust and I was too exhausted to endure it again.  This Mother's Day I came up with a brilliant idea. Two days before the big event, I prepared my answer to the question,  “What do you want for Mother’s Day?” “Nothing,” I said. “Come on, we have to get you something.  What do you want?” “Nothing.  I want a day filled with nothing.  No fighting.  No laundry.  No cooking.  No TV,” I said. “You’re just saying that.  You’d be mad if we don’t get you a gift.” “Nope.  This is what I really want.” “No way.  That’s too hard.  Just let us get you a gift.” I stood my … [Read more...]

4 Signs of Adult Attention Deficit Disorder (AADD)

Do I have Adult Attention Deficit Disorder? Growing up in the 70s, no one was diagnosed with ADD or ADHD. Instead we were labeled disruptive, excitable, loud, and annoying.  Teachers complained that we shouted out in class and couldn’t sit still.  Our parents called us moody and useless.  We probably had something more like ADLBD (Attention Deficit Lazy Butt Disorder).  Now, the spectrum for ADD includes adults. Here are the 4 signs I may have Adult Attention Deficit Disorder (AADD).  You be the judge. #1 Difficulty Getting Organized If clutter on your desk is an indication of being disorganized, I’m guilty as charged.  At this point, it’s necessary to push aside desk debris in order to … [Read more...]

Bright Lights, Insults, Gel Manicures At Nail Salon

My local nail salon is like a Turkish bazaar; people speak different languages, laughter, and loud voices surrounded by blaring music and bright lights.  Nail polish bottles, Post-it notes, glossy posters, and banners with price lists of various nail services cover all available wall space.  It’s a great place for an early morning wake-up call and a gel manicure. Within moments of entering the salon, a man wearing a white mask rushed up and pushed me into the nearest vinyl chair.  A tiny lady with a pink apron approached and said, “Do you want a mani-pedi?” “Ummm…I want a gel manicure,” I said picking at a fingernail. “Go pick a color,” she said and thrusted me towards an endless … [Read more...]

6 Signs You’re Middle-Aged

Middle-age creeps up on you as fast as diarrhea spreads on a cruise ship. I wanted to deny the signs but you can’t ignore the math. If you multiply your age by two and the answer’s greater than 90, you’re middle-aged.  Here are the 6 signs you're middle-aged: Do Not Recognize Celebrities I can only recognize 20% of the celebrities in People Magazine, television, and the Internet.  Instead, the stars of my youth are on the cover of AARP Magazine like David Cassidy, Harrison Ford, Dennis Quaid and Valerie Bertinelli.  Yeash, they look bad! Lose Glasses Looking for my reading glasses is an hourly occurrence.  It’s a perpetual game of hide and seek that I keep winning because one pair is … [Read more...]

Funny Fortune Cookies You Must Read

Really?  Do you enjoy that dry, tasteless fortune cookie after Chinese take-out or do you just want to read the free fortune and lucky numbers?  This week I had a chance to create two bags of custom fortune cookies.  I couldn’t pass up this opportunity to collect some of the funniest and share them with you.   Funny Fortune Cookies You seek to find meaning from a little slip of paper inside a cookie. You are gullible. The fortune you seek is in another cookie. Help!  I am being held prisoner in a Chinese bakery. Confucius say:  The road to riches is paved with homework. That wasn’t chicken. Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the … [Read more...]

April Fool’s Prank Amateurs Need Not Apply

One thing I know for certain, the key to a successful April Fool's prank involves knowing your victims’ routine.  Amateurs need not apply. Our friend, Scott, told my husband and me that his wife hit a deer on a country back road driving home from the work.  We quizzed him for all the details in order to set the trap. Then we asked him to make sure Casey answered the phone the next day. “Mrs. S, this is Officer Smedley with the Fulton County Police,” said my husband over the telephone in his best impersonation of a southern accent.  “I understand you hit a deer yesterday on U.S. Route 19 around 7:00 p.m.” “Um, yes,” said Casey, clearing her throat. She sounds as nervous as a pig … [Read more...]

Wasting Time? A Writer’s Diary Exposed

Why am I wasting so much time? I started a writer's diary in my quest for answers. Today 6:30  Repeat five times, “Today is the day I am going to work on my NOVEL.” 6:40  Brush teeth.  Check email.  Oh boy, 40 new messages. Delete 39. 6:50  Wake up son for school, start breakfast, tidy up kitchen, run a load of laundry, drive son to school. 8:00  Check Internet.  Must know more about sinkhole in Florida that opened up and swallowed a man. 8:10  Phone rings.  Mother shares weird neighbor story.  Is it really possible to set house on fire by turning on hair dryer and washing machine at the same time?  Doubtful. 8:30  Draft new blog, “101 Ways to Avoid Writing a … [Read more...]