Funny Fortune Cookies You Must Read

Really?  Do you enjoy that dry, tasteless fortune cookie after Chinese take-out or do you just want to read the free fortune and lucky numbers?  This week I had a chance to create two bags of custom fortune cookies.  I couldn’t pass up this opportunity to collect some of the funniest and share them with you.   Funny Fortune Cookies You seek to find meaning from a little slip of paper inside a cookie. You are gullible. The fortune you seek is in another cookie. Help!  I am being held prisoner in a Chinese bakery. Confucius say:  The road to riches is paved with homework. That wasn’t chicken. Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the … [Read more...]

April Fool’s Prank Amateurs Need Not Apply

One thing I know for certain, the key to a successful April Fool's prank involves knowing your victims’ routine.  Amateurs need not apply. Our friend, Scott, told my husband and me that his wife hit a deer on a country back road driving home from the work.  We quizzed him for all the details in order to set the trap. Then we asked him to make sure Casey answered the phone the next day. “Mrs. S, this is Officer Smedley with the Fulton County Police,” said my husband over the telephone in his best impersonation of a southern accent.  “I understand you hit a deer yesterday on U.S. Route 19 around 7:00 p.m.” “Um, yes,” said Casey, clearing her throat. She sounds as nervous as a pig … [Read more...]

Wasting Time? A Writer’s Diary Exposed

Why am I wasting so much time? I started a writer's diary in my quest for answers. Today 6:30  Repeat five times, “Today is the day I am going to work on my NOVEL.” 6:40  Brush teeth.  Check email.  Oh boy, 40 new messages. Delete 39. 6:50  Wake up son for school, start breakfast, tidy up kitchen, run a load of laundry, drive son to school. 8:00  Check Internet.  Must know more about sinkhole in Florida that opened up and swallowed a man. 8:10  Phone rings.  Mother shares weird neighbor story.  Is it really possible to set house on fire by turning on hair dryer and washing machine at the same time?  Doubtful. 8:30  Draft new blog, “101 Ways to Avoid Writing a … [Read more...]

Trapped in Girl’s Bathroom Without Cell Phone

Trapped in Girl's Bathroom Without Cell Phone The thought of using a public toilet raises my anxiety to threat level orange. My fear started at Girl Scout camp in 6th grade. Locked in a ripe latrine during a Midwest heat wave gave me a case of toilet phobia. And yet with only five minutes left of my daughter’s basketball game, Foothill High Schoolversus Amador Valley High School, I could not fight the urge to use the toilet any longer. With shortness of breath, I banged open the women’s restroom door, rushed for the closest stall. Thankfully it was a tiny bathroom, three spots, all empty.  Mindful to touch as little as possible, I did my business and exited faster than Apolo … [Read more...]

Guns, Drugs and Dinero, Writer Calls For Help

Next time a writer calls for help, I’ll be ready with a set answer, “Can I check my schedule and get back with you?”  Especially if the request involves guns, drugs and dinero. How It All Started Let me start at the beginning.  A few weeks ago, my friend, Julie, had cornea and lens replacement right before she was set to release her novel, PILZ. After weeks of working on a cover design with a prior designer, deadlines and obligations got in the way and forced her to search for someone new. That someone was me. I received her email at midnight in Times Roman size 20 font.  Dear God, the surgery made her blind.  But, I think she used this as a way to trick me into helping.  I was just an … [Read more...]

Stacey Gustafson Published NYMB…On Travel!

I am thrilled to announce that my story, “War in the Skies,” will be published March 26, 2013 in the anthology series, Not Your Mother’s Book…On Travel. This is my second story in the Not Your Mother’s Book series. Not Your Mother's Book...On Travel is an anthology filled with true, first-person travel adventure stories. From the jungles of Central America to the highlands of Africa, from the charms of Europe to the mysteries of North America, from the sacred sites of Asia to the high seas of the Caribbean, these stories will delight and entertain you. Whether you are an armchair traveler or an on-the-road-again adventurer, we invite you to vicariously journey around the world with us. … [Read more...]

Beware of Free Coupons, Stranger Bearing Gifts

I know one thing about life:  free coupons are not worth it.   Let me explain. In my kitchen, my mother-in-law and I caught up on the lastest gossip.  At the same time, I shuffled through piles of paper in our junk drawer and deep-sixed a stack of coupons.  She jumped up, stunned, and saved them from the recycling bin. Woman, keep your hands out of my trash. “Don’t worry.  It’s just a bunch of free coupons, not worth it,” I said, wiggling my head in disbelief. “I have never found that to be the case,” she said, hands on hips.  “Free is free.” Maybe I should have prefaced my statement. Last summer, neighbor’s family was visiting and she expressed her concerns to me.  “I … [Read more...]

Men Speak 7000 Words Per Day?

Do men speak 7000 words per day and women use 20,000?  Need proof?  Check out my guy’s typical text messages. Let me set the mood.  It’s around 6 p.m. on a Tuesday and I’m getting hungry. Texting “Are you coming home for dinner?” I texted, carefully spelling out each word with my thumbs. “Ya,” he texted back in a microsecond. “What do you want to eat?” “Anything.” “Okay, see you tonight.” “:)” See what I mean? Actual Words And when it came to using actual words in a live conversation, it was more of the same.  But the moment I turned on a blender, dust buster, hair dryer or hand mixer, he became a human magpie. After breakfast, I asked, “What do you want to do … [Read more...]