Christmas Tree Taunts Us

Our artificial, odorless, eight-foot tall Christmas tree taunts us year after year.  After a decade, assembling the three sections of the Rocky Mountain Pine is still as complicated as solving a Rubik’s Cube.  I fantasize dragging it to the nearest dump and lighting it on fire. Man Vs. Christmas Tree “Time to put up the tree,” says my husband, grabbing the kids by the arm.  “You want to help too?” he says, looking at me with squinty eyes. “Nah, I’ll just watch,” I say. I avert my eyes as my husband struggles with our tree like a wrestler performing an over the shoulder arm drag.   Plunk.  It hits the ground, green needles fall like dandruff. This year more of the hinged branches … [Read more...]

Not Too Late to Listen to Feisty Side of Fifty Interview

I had a blast being a guest speaker on the Feisty Side of Fifty radio show, Dec. 13.  We discussed Not Your Mother's Book...On Being a Woman.  Mary Eileen Williams, the host, asked fun questions about my story, "Hair Gone Wild."  You can pick up a copy of the book or read it on my blog.  The publisher, Dahlynn McKowen, told listeners the correct way to submit stories for future books.  It was a relaxed, enjoyable interview.  If you missed out the first time, click on the link below. … [Read more...]

How to Rewrap Christmas Gifts

As Christmas barreled towards me like a supernova, my armpits got as sweaty as the Shoe Bomber going through customs.  My fear, receiving a present that I despised and having to fake my approval.  Opening a gaily-wrapped box with yards of ribbon heightened my anxiety to Code Red. Last Christmas, my family watched with baited breath and I tried to camouflage my true feelings. “Oh, thanks.  What is it?” I said. “It’s that thing you asked for,” said my son. I didn’t have a clue if this was something I had wanted as a gift.  I understand that I’m difficult to buy for at birthdays and holidays.  I don’t wear a lot of jewelry.  I have bottles and bottles of perfume on my bureau … [Read more...]

No Santa, No Way

Details were sketchy, but within moments, on the eve of Christmas Day, Santa was history and our daughter was ticked. That evening, unwrapped packages and children’s toys were scattered throughout the living room and the memory of Christmas started to fade.  I cleaned up the silver tinsel and crumpled wrapping paper and Dad offered to tuck the kids into bed. “Goodnight little ones,” I said with big hugs and kisses.  “Santa was very good to you this year.” Off to bed they crawled but suddenly across the house should appear, an earsplitting cry, a sob, and a tear?  Our daughter shouted, “This can’t be true!  I just found out there is no Santa.  It says right here,” she cried, pointing … [Read more...]

It’s a Wonderful Kiosk Christmas

On the sixth day of Christmas, the mall gave to me, six angry sales teams, five new languages, four aroma pillows, three tubs of sea salt, two hair straighteners, and a partridge in a pear tree. As the refrain from “The Twelve Days of Christmas” echoes through my head, I wander the mall avoiding eye contact with kiosk employees. Who hasn’t been stopped midstream by perky cell phone employees begging, “try our service” or “switch today”? Who hasn’t had fragrant lotion squeezed onto their hands while taking cover from flying helicopters or tiny, motorized cars zipping around their feet? But while I tried to avoid their seduction, the magnetic attraction is too strong. Companies like … [Read more...]

Listen Up! I’m on the Feisty Side of Fifty Radio Show, Dec. 13 at 9:00 am

Check it out.  I am honored to have the opportunity to discuss Not Your Mother's Book...On Being a Woman on the Feisty Side of Fifty radio show. Mary Eileen Williams will broadcast the show on Blog Talk Radio, Thursday, Dec. 13 at 9:00am - 9:15am. We feisty gals love stories that are hip, modern, fun, and even daring… so look no further! Not Your Mother’s Book on Being a Woman is a new anthology for the new century. No sad or sappy stories here—these are wild and crazy tales of the joys and challenges of full-fledged womanhood. The publisher, Dahlynn McKowen, and contributing author, Stacey Gustafson, are joining us to share all about this bodacious book. You’ll want to be certain … [Read more...]

Kapow! The Sound of Models Falling Down on the Catwalk!

I can’t help it.  I enjoy watching models tumble on the catwalk.  It makes me smile.  After a Google search on “models falling” I discovered that 6,830,000 web sites agree with me.  We can’t get enough. I think the biggest reason I’m tickled pink when models fall is due to the haughty way they launch themselves down the runway.  It’s like they’re saying to the world, “Look at me, I’m tall and can walk in a straight line.” Congratulations, you strutted 28 feet! Take off those Jimmy Choo's And Gisele Bündchen, if you want our respect, take off those ridiculous Jimmy Choo’s!  Don’t you care that a generation of under 20-somethings will have a lifetime of bunions, arthritis, … [Read more...]

A Thanksgiving Day Plea On Behalf of Mom

Happy Thanksgiving Day!  By now, like Sleeping Beauty, my family is waking from a deep slumber, wiping the crust from their eyes as they stumble into the kitchen in search of coffee.  I bet it’s about 10:00 a.m. and they’re starting to wonder, “Where’s Mom?”  Well, surprise, I have three words, “At the movies.”  I have decided to take the day off. I’m exhausted by the thought of another Thanksgiving Day, spent in the scullery, sweating it out like Bikram Yoga.  Enough with hot ovens, boiling pots and disgusting turkey giblets already.  I’m Getting My Movie On, sitting in a comfy chair, hogging a whole box of popcorn and a large Diet Coke.  Ha ha! Now don’t get me wrong, I love each … [Read more...]