Blame it all on me. But in my defense, I didn’t anticipate that my family would fight for iced tea. First thing you need to know: my husband is a patient, reasonable man. He never gets mad over little things. “What’s for dinner?” he said, sniffing the air for a hint. “Leftovers,” I said as I turned on the microwave. “Fantastic.” And after the meal, he asked, “Do we still have some of that chocolate raspberry truffle cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory?” “Oops, the kids ate it.” “No problem.” But if anyone messes with his iced tea, beware, an all out war brewed to boiling proportions. There’s a little story behind how it all started. On my quest for a healthy … [Read more...]
Dying of Thirst During California Drought
June 18, 2014 By Leave a Comment
Hey California, it’s me, your lawn. Didn’t recognize me at first, did you? Now don’t hate me because I’ve turned a sickly shade of olive and my blades are brittle since the California drought. If you think I have it bad, take a look around. Oak Tree’s leaves have curled, Shrubby’s croaked and Birds of Paradise never had a chance. It’s just a matter of time before we’re all gone by summer’s end. California, when are you going to take some responsibility? My blood…err…chlorophyll is on your hands. Cut 25% During California Drought For the beautiful state of California, my homeowners sacrificed their lawn, fruit trees, vegetable garden, and vineyards when you asked parts of the state to cut … [Read more...]
27 Funny Ways to Save Water During Drought
June 4, 2014 By 5 Comments
If you think your state has drought problems, try living in California. Our state has the #1 Biggest Water Shortage in the nation. This is our driest period in 150 years. It’s mandatory for residents to cut water usage by 25% in our town or there won’t be enough to go around by the end of summer. Here’s my list of Funny Ways to Save Water: Ways to Save Water in the Laundry Room Rewear, rewear, and rewear - Did you know that the two-thirds of the British people wear dirty clothes from the laundry basket? Mom’s New Rule: Wear it until it stinks. Then wear it again. Use perfume to cover up body odor - Sure you might smell like a French whorehouse but people will … [Read more...]
Can You Sue Your Parents Like Rachel Canning?
April 30, 2014 By 12 Comments
Can you sue your parents if they throw you out of the house and refuse to pay for your private school? Even after you wouldn't follow their rules? That’s exactly what 18-year old New Jersey teenage girl, Rachel Canning, tried to do and the judge promptly ejected the case. “What’s next?” the judge asked. “Sue your parents for not buying you an Xbox?” New Jersey Teen Who Sued Parents for Financial Support Returns Home http://www.foxnews.com/us/2014/03/12/new-jersey-teen-who-sued-parents-returns-home/ Back in the day, if you didn’t follow your parents’ rules, you would consider yourself lucky to run away without a severe beating. But attempt to sue? Give me a break. So this got me … [Read more...]
Who the Hell is Joyce Newman Scott?
April 21, 2014 By 29 Comments
Ever hate a person you’ve never even met? For me that was Joyce Ann Newman Scott. My plans to stay at the Marriott in Dayton, Ohio for the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop last week fell apart. I was stuck at a Holiday Inn, 10 miles away, referred to by the attendees as the “Kids’ Table.” “Got to worm my way into the Marriot. It’s right across the street from all the action,” I thought to myself. I struck gold when I received this email. “Hi, my name is Terri. My friend said you are looking for a roommate. Still interested?” she asked. Bingo, my lucky day. Roommate Wanted: Must Not Snore “Sure,” I emailed. “As long as you don’t snore, grind your teeth or have night frights, it’s … [Read more...]
To the Woman Who Fondled My Breast
March 18, 2014 By 16 Comments
Today a strange woman fondled my breast. She trapped me in an awkward position, manhandled my boobs, and called me cruel names. And for a while I tolerated her poor treatment. Breast Exam I was getting a breast exam. If you’re like me, you postpone getting an annual mammogram for as long as possible. It hurts. But that little voice in your head keeps nagging, “Get it over with. It won’t be so bad this time.” At Mercy Healthcare, an assistant carrying a clipboard led me into the changing area and instructed me to strip to the waist, put on a flimsy gown and wait for the technician. Moments later, a stocky lady with mousey brown hair yelled, “Next.” That’s me. Torture … [Read more...]
Here’s a Quick Way to Catch a Raccoon
February 6, 2014 By 8 Comments
To catch a raccoon became my mission. Each night, it ambushed our lawn, flattened leafy plants and ripped the grass to shreds. Chunks of sod rolled over. At this rate, we’d be down to topsoil and tree roots by the end of the month. I called Carl’s Critter Control and explained our problem. Help was on the way. The next day, he examined our yard and said, “Yep, you got raccoons. Best to kill what they eat. I’ll treat for grubs.” Raccoon Escargot What the heck do they eat? Turns out cream colored coiled grubs and beetles burrowed in our lawn, the raccoon’s version of escargot. He injected the lawn with chemicals to kill the meal. For about two weeks, the treatment worked and we … [Read more...]
Oops! Video Camera Catches Neighbor in Stolen PJs
January 30, 2014 By 8 Comments
Last week, I received the following alert from Crime Prevention Unit of the Pleasanton Police Department, “FW: Press Release - Residential Burglary Suspect Arrested.” I thought, “Hot damn. I better get busy.” You see, I’m the neighborhood block caption. The SWAT team has personally thanked me for my hard work. That’s another story. Stolen PJs Anyway, a local woman was arrested on suspicion of stealing furniture, tools, and electronics from her neighbor, including pajamas. Based on the newspaper photo, I had a sneaky feeling we had met. I sent out a group email to my friends with the information. Here’s a copy of our email exchange--- To: Friends: Wanted you to be … [Read more...]
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